Helping Children Thrive: Confidence, Friendships, and Emotional Well Being

"I Feel Like I'm Always on the Outside"

Question:

I'm not the type of person who likes to stand out or be the center of attention. I actually prefer watching other people and listening to them. But lately I've realized there's a downside to that.

Many times, I'll be sitting in a room with friends while they're talking, laughing, and having a great time. I sit quietly, listening, but saying almost nothing. I end up feeling like I don't really belong, as though they're one group and I'm just someone who happens to be sitting there.

Is there a way to change this?

Answer:

The choice you've made to sit quietly and listen probably served you well in the past, but it may no longer be the best fit for who you are today.

As we move from childhood into adolescence, our needs change. The way we see ourselves changes, and so do our desires. What suited you when you were younger may no longer suit the person you are becoming.

Making that transition isn't always easy. It's much more comfortable to continue doing what we've always done because it's familiar. But change is absolutely possible.

You should know that in order to feel like you belong, you do not need to become the most noticeable person in the room. Sometimes all it takes is connecting with one other person.

It might be someone who is similar to you, someone who also tends to sit quietly on the sidelines. Or it might be someone completely different from you, someone outgoing and expressive. Being around that person may naturally help you feel more comfortable and included, even without becoming the center of attention yourself.

Notice something important: when you think in terms of changing everything at once, the challenge feels overwhelming. But when you focus on one small step, the challenge becomes much smaller and much more manageable.

A response by Menucha Fuchs, author, educational expert, marriage counselor, and head of the "Chedvat Hashem" Seminary for Girls.

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"My Six Year Old Daughter Says She's Lonely"

Question:

My six and a half year old daughter is in first grade. She is a sweet little girl, but since the beginning of the school year she has been telling me that she has no friends and that she is "lonely all by myself," as she puts it.

For example, she brings a jump rope to school, but the other girls only want her to turn the rope while they do the jumping.

How can I help her? I'm not with her all day to guide her through these situations.

Answer:

A situation like the one you describe can have many possible causes, and therefore many possible ways to help. I'll share one possibility.

It may be that interacting with her classmates awakens feelings that already existed within your daughter and have become part of the way she defines herself. She may already carry beliefs such as, "I'm not worthy," "I don't matter," or "I'm not good enough."

Those feelings become activated when she experiences what feels like rejection from her friends, such as always being the one who holds the jump rope while everyone else takes turns jumping. She finds it difficult to overcome those emotions.

The most important thing is for her to discover her own strengths and abilities. She needs to recognize the value she already possesses.

Right now, she is relying on her friends to provide that sense of worth and validation. But friends cannot supply emotional needs that ultimately must come from within.

When your daughter begins to see herself as someone worthy of joining the game, her classmates are much more likely to see her that way as well. Even if she sometimes ends up holding the rope because that happens to be part of the game, she will still feel confident and valuable.

The greatest change will not necessarily be in her friends' behavior, but in the way she interprets what is happening.

A response by Inbal Elhayani, MA, certified NLP practitioner and guided imagery therapist.

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What Is the Difference Between CBT and Traditional Emotional Therapy?

Question:

What is the difference between Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and traditional emotional therapies such as psychodynamic therapy?

Answer:

One of the main differences between CBT and psychodynamic or traditional emotional therapy is the emphasis placed on the past.

Psychodynamic therapy focuses on identifying unconscious processes and early relationships in order to understand the roots of current difficulties. The underlying assumption is that today's struggles are connected to past experiences. By exploring those earlier experiences and understanding how they continue to influence the present, the therapist helps the client gain insight into their current challenges.

CBT, on the other hand, focuses primarily on the present. It recognizes that many people find it difficult or unhelpful to spend extended periods revisiting the past. In addition, many clients are looking for practical results within a relatively short period of time.

For that reason, CBT concentrates on the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that are maintaining the current problem. It is generally a short term therapy, unlike psychodynamic therapy, which can sometimes continue for a much longer period.

Another hallmark of CBT is its practical nature. The therapist teaches concrete coping strategies and skills that clients can continue using long after therapy has ended, enabling them to manage future challenges independently.

A response by Yaffa Ifargan, MA, educator and CBT therapist.