From the Rebbetzin's Shabbat Table - Parashat Shoftim

Dear friends,

How many times have you heard someone say to you indignantly, “

You have no right to judge me!”

The implication is that by judging them, you are asserting your superiority and leaving them to occupy that unhappy place called “less.” The truth is far more complex. Not all actions are equal, and actions are often done by humans.

To make things even more opaque, the Torah tells us to appoint judges, which certainly implies that there is a sacred place for judging.

ASUR – MUTAR, TAMEI – TAHOR, CHAYAV – ZAKAI

**FORBIDDEN – PERMITTED, DEFILED – PURE, **

GUILTY – INNOCENT

These six words describe the way halachah creates boundaries that are there to make it possible to make choices that give order and meaning to a world in which confusion is the norm.

When Adam ate of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, the two were mixed as he ingested the fruit, and this mixture is the source of confusion within us till today.

CONFUSED? WHO, US?

As you know, there are sincere people who make disastrous choices. One of my most moral former students, Cara (not her name), ran an abortion clinic. It was only when she saw a late-term abortion that she recognized the horror in which she was involved.

Murder (killing someone who is of no threat to you) is asur. Choosing what color sweater to wear is mutar. The same holds for Tamei – spiritual defilement – and Tahor, pure. This gives human beings, with all of our subjectivity, the ability to live lives of truth.

With halachah, you know how to judge deeds. The question is whether you will ever really know how to judge another person.

Cara recognized that the road she was walking was not taking her to where she wanted to go. Can we judge her? Cara grew up in a society in which the spotlight was always on the mother. She began to question whether the image of the teenage victim was real when she read the Guttmacher survey that revealed that 2/3 of the abortions done were for women in their 20s and the reasons they gave were financial. It was years before she knew that the baby is human and that the mother makes choices.

This is why the same Torah that tells you where the lines have to be drawn tells you to judge your neighbor justly. We know what deeds are wrong and irretrievable. We don’t know the inner workings of people who make choices.

The Torah demands that we judge favorably.

IS JUDGING FAVORABLY NAÏVE?

The words, “Don’t be a fool,” resonate. I know that I can’t judge people, but does that not leave me in the position of being the eternal doormat and what Israelis call a “fraier” (sucker)? What does halachah actually say? It demands some level of social discernment. You have to look before you leap.

TZADIKIM

When you see a person who has earned the title tzadik, and what you see is not what fits your sense of rectitude, open your mind to three possibilities:

1 – YOU MAY NOT KNOW THE HALACHAH

2 – YOU MAY NOT KNOW THE WHOLE PICTURE

**3 – HE MAY HAVE MADE A ONE TIME ERROR **

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THE HALACHA

The tzadik with his foot on the pedal as he heads down Ocean Parkway Shabbos morning may be driving to the hospital, not to the beach, with someone in the back having a heart attack. He is not only allowed to drive; halachah demands that he drive. No, he should not wait for a non-Jew. No, he should not ask a non-observant Jew who, in any case, doesn’t keep Shabbos. He should move as quickly as possible and set the example of breaking Shabbos to save a life.

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THE WHOLE PICTURE

You see the tzadik run after a teenager who is screaming, “Let me go!” You didn’t see the teenager break into the elderly woman’s home and throw her down a flight of stairs moments before the tzadik appeared on the scene.

HE MAY BE WRONG

You can assume that the best of us make mistakes, sometimes serious ones. Moshe wasn’t perfect, and neither is anyone else. You can assume that a one-time failure isn’t a total definition of the person you “caught”.

Moshe split the sea, gave the Torah and, yes, failed when he struck the rock. You can also safely assume that it is likely for him to do teshuvah.

RESHAIM – EVIL DOERS It ain’t easy to be a Rasha. If you have ambition for evil-doing, here are some criteria.

1 – YOU DO THINGS THAT THE TORAH ACTUALLY FORBIDS

In today’s society, people are very generous with their words. Calling someone “toxic” can mean that they don’t give you what you need emotionally.

How much are they actually obligated to give you? A question rarely asked. A listening ear and open heart whenever you want one? Validation? Unconditional love? None of this makes a person a Rasha. It doesn’t make them righteous or perfect, but that is far from being a Rasha.

2 - YOU DO THE FORBIDDEN ACT KNOWINGLY, PUBLICLY, AND WITH PRIDE

3 - EVEN IN YOUR TIME AND PLACE, THE ACT IS DESPISED

Don’t give a genuine Rasha the benefit of the doubt. When you do, you are participating in his making victim after victim.

ORDINARY PEOPLE - THE OTHER 80% OF US

You are obligated to question the way you interpret the interactions between you and the other person.

Someone is late. It may be that they really don’t value your time. It also may be that he has a touch of ADHD and being prompt is just not his thing. It also may be that unanticipated delays – traffic, demonstrations, something going wrong in the car – may be the real villain.You have to choose a positive interpretation as long as it makes sense. You don’t have to assume that the circus came to town, the elephant escaped, and the roads are all closed.

Be generous. Remember how many times you felt trapped because your reasons for failing to meet someone’s expectations were real, but beyond your capacity to change.

FIND THE TZADIK

When you have someone in your life who is “toxic” or “narcissistic” – at least, that’s how you feel – step back.

YOU MAY BE RIGHT!

I know that isn’t what you expected me to say.

You can’t recreate people, but you can choose what to look at. Even if the screen is 90 percent black, you can find a white spot if you look honestly enough. This doesn’t mean falling into the trap of talking to yourself in clichés (“everyone is basically good”). Find something that they actually did that you recognize as good. Perhaps they did you a favor at one time. Focus on that favor. Force yourself to see it when you look at the person. What will happen is that he will intuit the way you are relating.

At times, this is the moment in which real change begins. Even if it doesn’t, it makes our judgment far more honest than it would be when you reduce him to a one-dimensional block of psycho-jargon.

FIND THE TZADIK IN YOU!!!!

You did good things. Definable ones. See yourself as the bit of tzadik that you are. Find the part of you that longs for Hashem;

it is inside your heart. Turn to Him.

Soon it will be Elul. The words stand for “I am for my Beloved.” The tzadik in you is genuinely there.

Hashem will be there for you.

He sees the tzadik in you better than you do.

Love,
Tziporah

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