The Secret of Renewal: A Powerful Lesson for Marriage and Elul

Parashat Ki Tetzei opens with the subject of a woman taken captive in war.

A superficial reading of this passage can be misleading, so it is essential to study Rashi and the other Torah commentators in depth in order to understand it properly. Here, we will focus on one unusual word that contains a powerful lesson for life, particularly during the month of Elul.

The Torah states: “When you go out to war against your enemies, and Hashem your God delivers them into your hand, and you take captives. And you see among the captives a woman of beautiful form, and you desire her and take her for yourself as a wife, you shall bring her into your home. She shall shave her head and trim her nails, and remove the garment of her captivity from upon herself, and she shall sit in your house and weep for her father and mother for a month of days; afterward, you may come to her and live with her, and she shall be your wife” (Deuteronomy 21:10–13).

Without going into every detail of this passage, the Torah anticipates that a marriage beginning under these circumstances may end disastrously. It can lead to hatred and ultimately even to a rebellious son, as Rashi explains at the beginning of the portion.

Why Does the Torah Say “Moon” Instead of “Month”?

When we look closely at the Hebrew wording of these verses, an interesting question emerges. Why does the Torah refer to this period using the unusual term for “moon,” rather than the Hebrew word normally used for “month”?

There are two other places in which the Torah uses the word “moons” instead of “months.” At the birth of Moses, the Torah states: “The woman conceived and gave birth to a son. She saw that he was good, and she hid him for three moons” (Exodus 2:2).

We find it again in Deuteronomy: “From the precious produce of the sun, and from the precious yield of moons” (Deuteronomy 33:14).

The Hebrew word chodesh, meaning “month,” appears in the Torah more than sixty times. Chodesh is related to chidush, meaning renewal. The connection is easy to understand. During the second half of each month, the moon steadily diminishes until it disappears completely from view. Then, with Rosh Chodesh, it appears again, as though it has been born anew.

Why, then, does the Torah depart from its usual wording in these particular places and use the term “moon”?

There is a distinction between a “month” and a “moon.” The word “month” describes a unit within the annual calendar, and a Jewish month may contain either twenty nine or thirty days. The term “moon,” however, represents a period of thirty days (see Yevamot 48b).

The captive woman must therefore mourn her parents for thirty full days, not simply for a calendar month. This is also connected to the laws of mourning, which extend for a full thirty days (see Rabbeinu Bachya on Exodus 2:2 regarding Moses’ three moons).

But there is also a deeper message hidden in these two words.

The Difference Between a Ketubah and a Get

In Michtav LeChizkiyahu on Parashat Ki Tetzei, Rabbi Chizkiyahu Peretz, one of the rabbis of Djerba who lived approximately 250 years ago, explains that the Hebrew terms for “month” and “moon” are not simply synonyms. They represent two opposing ideas and two ways of living that can lead to very different outcomes.

This distinction is reflected in halacha, where the two words appear in two very different legal documents: a ketubah and a get.

In the ketubah, signed at the beginning of a marriage when a husband expresses his commitment to his wife, the word used is “month”: “On such and such day of the week, in such and such month, according to the count we use here...”

In a get, however, when a husband and wife end their marriage and separate, the word used is “moon”: “On such and such day of such and such moon.” This is the ruling of the Levush in the laws of divorce.

Rabbi Chizkiyahu Peretz explains that this distinction sheds light on the Torah’s wording regarding the captive woman.

The Torah emphasizes that “she shall weep for her father and mother for a moon of days.” According to this interpretation, the term hints at the tragic direction in which this relationship may ultimately lead.

The man is drawn to the captive woman because of what he sees. He knows nothing about her background, her upbringing, her values, or her family. His decision is based on her outward appearance. Such a foundation can lead, God forbid, to “the yield of moons,” to a get and separation, followed by the rebellious son described immediately afterward in the Torah.

Moses, too, is described as having been hidden for “three moons.” After three months, Yocheved was forced to send her son away from her home in order to save his life. Here too, the term associated with ordinary renewal is not used. Instead, the Torah speaks of “moons,” a term that, according to this teaching, can symbolize separation and leaving the home.

This is the teaching of Rabbi Chizkiyahu Peretz.

The Secret of Marriage Is Renewal

There is a powerful message here for our lives, particularly during Elul.

The secret of marriage is chodesh: renewal.

Everyone knows the challenge of routine and familiarity. Routine has many advantages, but it can also carry a heavy price. Over time, it can diminish enthusiasm and excitement.

Human beings are naturally excited by what is new. We were created in the image of Hashem, and we possess a drive to create, discover, and move forward. We seek new achievements, new ideas, and new experiences.

That need for renewal must also find expression within marriage.

We need to “get married again every day,” continuing to do the things we naturally did at the beginning of the relationship. At first, we thought about the other person, looked for ways to surprise them, tried to make their life easier, and paid close attention to their needs. Those efforts should not disappear simply because the relationship has become familiar.

This challenge is reflected in the difference between “month” and “moon.”

In a ketubah, we write “month,” hinting to the bride and groom that a lasting marriage requires chidush, renewal. Each day offers another opportunity for kindness, thoughtfulness, consideration, greater willingness to give, and the mitzvah of family purity.

When a marriage continues to contain renewal, the ketubah remains the document that defines the relationship.

By contrast, the get uses the term “moon.” According to this teaching, it represents life reduced to empty cycles of thirty days followed by another thirty days, without renewal or freshness.

Elul Is a Time to Make Our Relationship With Hashem New Again

These ideas apply to the relationship between husband and wife, but they apply even more deeply to the relationship between a person and their Creator.

Our service of Hashem also requires renewal. Prayer, Torah study, mitzvot, and the routines of Jewish life can become familiar. Actions that once carried excitement can gradually become automatic.

Elul gives us the opportunity to make them new again.

During Elul, we blow the shofar, and a verse in Psalms states: “Blow the shofar in the month” (Psalms 81).

The Baal Shem Tov explains that the verse contains an allusion to the spiritual work of renewal. The central task is the “month,” chodesh, bringing chidush and freshness into our service of Hashem through the awakening call of the shofar, so that we continually grow and improve (Toldot Yaakov Yosef, Parashat Tzav).

That is one of the central opportunities of Elul. We do not have to abandon what we have been doing and begin an entirely different life. Instead, we can breathe new life into what is already there.

Just as a healthy marriage needs to be renewed again and again, so does our relationship with Hashem.

During the month of Elul, we strive to live a life of chodesh, a life of renewal.