Why Is It So Hard to Forgive? A Jewish Approach to Letting Go

I remember how anxious I used to feel before Yom Kippur. What if I had hurt someone and forgotten to apologize? I would quickly write apologies in my journal and, later, send messages asking forgiveness from friends, both real and virtual, through social media or the inevitable WhatsApp message.

As the years passed, I realized that apologies needed to be more personal. So I began actually asking people for forgiveness face to face, especially when I thought I might have hurt them.

With time, I came to understand something deeper. Forgiveness is not only about the person we have hurt. Of course, if we have wronged someone, intentionally or unintentionally, it is important to seek their forgiveness. There is a reason we devote so much attention to repentance during Elul and as Yom Kippur approaches. But forgiveness is also important for the person who is asked to forgive. Sometimes, it may be precisely what we need in order to move forward.

When Did You Last Truly Forgive Someone?

When was the last time you genuinely forgave someone who hurt you?

I am not referring to forced forgiveness, when you say, “I forgive you,” and supposedly move on while resentment continues simmering inside. I mean genuine forgiveness, the kind that allows you to stop carrying the hurt everywhere you go.

If you are like me, there are probably times when you try and simply cannot do it. Someone hurt you, or perhaps is still hurting you, and you keep replaying the story in your mind like a movie on an endless loop. The argument may have ended long ago, but inside, it is still happening.

Or perhaps the situation is reversed. Maybe you said something inappropriate or made an insensitive comment to someone, and you cannot let yourself move past it. No matter how many times you have apologized, you continue punishing yourself for the same mistake.

Forgiveness is one of the most discussed subjects in modern culture. Entire books have been written about it. There are lectures, workshops, podcasts, and endless advice about the importance of letting go. However, many of us still do not know how to actually do it.

What Does Forgiveness Really Mean?

Apologizing, forgiving, giving in, and letting go are not the same thing. An apology belongs to the person who caused the hurt. That person acknowledges what happened and expresses regret. Forgiveness belongs to the person who was hurt. It is their choice regarding how they will relate to the pain.

Giving in can sometimes simply mean surrendering because you are exhausted and no longer have the energy to fight. Letting go, meanwhile, is often the result rather than the process itself. It is what can happen after genuine apology and forgiveness have taken place.

In its deepest sense, forgiveness is the conscious decision to release the emotional hold that an injury has over us without pretending that it never happened.

Forgiving someone does not mean erasing the event from your memory, deciding that what happened was acceptable, or allowing the same behavior to happen again. Forgiveness also does not necessarily require reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still decide, calmly and thoughtfully, that maintaining a close relationship with that person is not right for you.

Perhaps most importantly, forgiveness is a conscious choice. We are not rewriting history and declaring that the hurtful behavior was acceptable. We are deciding that what happened will no longer be allowed to control us.

Forgiveness in Judaism

Judaism has addressed forgiveness for thousands of years and offers a structured approach to repentance, accountability, and reconciliation.

Yom Kippur is devoted to repentance, atonement, and forgiveness. Yet our Sages teach an important distinction: Yom Kippur can bring atonement for sins between a person and Hashem, but it does not automatically atone for wrongs committed against another person. When we have hurt someone else, we must seek to make things right with that person. Divine forgiveness is not a substitute for human responsibility.

The Rambam, in Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Teshuvah 2:2, describes the essential components of teshuvah. A person must leave the sin behind, regret what was done, confess it before Hashem, and sincerely resolve not to repeat it.

1. Stop the wrongdoing: Genuine repentance cannot take place while a person continues engaging in the same harmful behavior.

2. Regret: The person recognizes that what was done was wrong and sincerely regrets having done it.

3. Confession: Putting the wrongdoing into words rather than hiding from it.

4. Commitment for the future: a genuine decision not to repeat the behavior.

Although the Rambam is describing the responsibilities of the person who sinned, this framework also teaches us something important about forgiveness. A sincere “I’m sorry” is more than a sentence. Genuine repentance involves change.

Must We Always Forgive?

Judaism distinguishes between someone who sincerely regrets the wrongdoing and makes genuine efforts to repair it, and someone who continues the harmful behavior or refuses to take responsibility.

Forgiveness should not be confused with permission to continue hurting someone. If a person is still mistreating you, you do not need to pretend that everything is fine. Forgiveness does not require abandoning healthy boundaries, exposing yourself to further harm, or restoring a relationship that is unsafe or destructive.

You can work toward releasing resentment while still protecting yourself.

Why Forgiveness Can Be So Powerful

There are powerful spiritual reasons to forgive when forgiveness is appropriate.

Our Sages praise those who do not insist on exact justice when they have been wronged. The Talmud teaches that one who is willing to overlook offenses committed against him merits having his own sins overlooked.

This idea is reflected in the prayer traditionally recited before the bedtime Shema, in which we forgive those who have angered, offended, or wronged us. Forgiveness can therefore become much more than something we give another person. It can become an act of spiritual freedom.

Jewish thought also teaches us to see the events of our lives within the larger framework of Divine providence. This does not remove responsibility from someone who chooses to hurt another person. The offender remains responsible for his or her choices. But faith can help the person who was hurt recognize that another human being does not ultimately control the course of their life.

The Hardest Person to Forgive

Forgiving someone else can be difficult, but forgiving yourself can be even harder.

Sometimes we continue carrying guilt long after we have acknowledged our mistake, apologized, made amends, and changed our behavior. At that point, guilt is no longer helping us improve, but has become a form of ongoing self punishment.

Healthy regret says, “I did something wrong, and I want to become better.”

Destructive guilt says, “I did something wrong, therefore there is something permanently wrong with me.”

The first can lead to teshuvah, while the second can keep us trapped in the past.

Self compassion does not mean pretending that what you did was acceptable. It means treating yourself with the same humanity you would offer a good friend who sincerely regretted a mistake. You can take responsibility without sentencing yourself to endless punishment.

The way we speak to ourselves also matters. If you repeatedly tell yourself that you are terrible, eventually those words begin to shape how you see yourself. Instead, remind yourself that you are learning, changing, and capable of making different choices. Mistakes should become teachers, rather than permanent identities.

Forgiving Others for Your Own Sake

There is a well known saying that refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Whatever its original source, the image captures something important.

Holding on to resentment requires energy. We replay the story, rehearse what we wish we had said, imagine different endings, and repeatedly reopen an injury that may have happened years ago. The other person may not even know we are still thinking about it, but we continue carrying it.

Forgiveness can return some of that emotional energy to us. Less energy is devoted to maintaining anger, leaving more room for peace, joy, relationships, and life itself.

And again, forgiveness does not imply reconciliation. You can forgive a friend without restoring the friendship, you can forgive a family member while maintaining necessary distance, and you can release resentment without giving someone renewed access to your life.

Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice. There may be legitimate reasons why you are not ready to forgive, and genuine forgiveness cannot always be rushed. But when the time is right, releasing resentment can become a gift you give yourself.

Perhaps the experience that hurt you also changed you. Perhaps it taught you something, strengthened you, or forced you to grow in a way you never would have chosen.

Our Sages explain that every blade of grass has a spiritual force above it that strikes it and tells it, “Grow.” Sometimes growth comes gently, while at others it comes through experiences we would never have chosen.

We do not need to deny what happened, but we can choose not to let it consume us forever.

Forgiveness does not change the past. It can, however, change how much of our future the past is allowed to possess.