Your Parents or His? How Couples Can Decide Where to Spend the Holidays

There are certain questions that come up in almost every family before a holiday, and one of the most common is: Where are we spending the holiday this year?

For many couples, the answer seems simple. This year we’ll go to my parents because last year we were with yours. But sometimes, it is not nearly that straightforward.

“We were with your family last year.” “My mother will be hurt.” “Your parents always get us.” “I have a hard time when we’re with your family.”

Before long, the conversation is no longer about where to spend one holiday. It becomes about something much deeper: whose family matters more, whose needs are given priority, and who is always expected to give in.

Don’t Wait Until the Last Minute

One of the most common mistakes couples make is postponing this conversation until the holiday is almost here. As the date approaches, the pressure increases. Parents have already begun making plans, invitations start to feel like obligations, and it becomes harder to make a thoughtful decision without emotion taking over.

It is much better to discuss the issue early, before anyone has committed to anything. And instead of beginning with, “So, where are we going this year?” try asking a different question: “What is important to you about the holiday this year?”

You may discover that behind your spouse’s insistence on spending the holiday with a particular family is a need you had not considered. Perhaps a parent is elderly or ill. Maybe a sibling is coming from abroad. Perhaps your spouse feels that it has simply been too long since they spent a holiday with their family. Or maybe one of you is exhausted and needs a quieter celebration this year.

Once you understand the need behind the request, it becomes much easier to look for a solution that does not leave either person feeling that they have lost.

Don’t Turn Your Families Into a Competition

It is easy for these conversations to deteriorate into comparisons. “It’s always difficult with your family.” “My parents are much more considerate.” “Your family always expects us to come.”

Even when there is some truth behind those feelings, statements like these rarely help. Instead, they put your spouse in the position of having to defend their parents and siblings rather than being able to listen to what you are actually trying to say.

A better approach is to talk about your own experience. “It’s difficult for me when we stay there so late.” “I feel like I haven’t spent enough time with my parents.” “This year I really need a peaceful holiday.”

When the conversation focuses on your needs rather than on what is wrong with your spouse or their family, it remains a conversation between two people who love each other rather than turning into a battle between two families.

Sometimes Giving In Is the Right Choice

Some couples create a clear rotation: one holiday with one family, the next with the other, and then switch the following year. For many couples, this arrangement works beautifully. But life does not always follow a schedule.

A new baby, an elderly parent, relatives visiting from far away, or changing family circumstances can all be good reasons to make an exception. What matters most is not rigidly following a system, but having an honest conversation and building enough trust that both spouses know their needs will be taken seriously.

Sometimes there really is a good reason to spend the holiday with his parents, even if you were with them for the same holiday last year. In that case, giving in may be the right thing to do. Giving in for someone you love does not mean that you have lost. On the contrary, generosity within a marriage can strengthen the sense that you are both looking out for one another.

Keep the Disagreement Between the Two of You

Whatever decision you make, present it to your families as a decision you made together.

Never tell your parents, “He doesn’t want to come to your house,” or “She decided that we have to spend the holiday with her parents.” Blaming your spouse may protect you from your family’s disappointment in the moment, but it leaves your spouse alone to face their resentment.

Instead, simply say, “We decided to spend the holiday there this year, and we hope to be with you for the next holiday.”

Your parents may be disappointed, and that is okay. Not every disappointment means that someone has been wronged, and not every decision you make as a couple needs everyone else’s approval.

Remember Who You Are Going Home With

Eventually, the holiday will end. The table will be cleared, the guests will leave, and everyone will return to their own homes. The person who will still be beside you is your spouse.

That is why it is not worth arriving at a family celebration after days of anger, silence, and resentment, with one person feeling victorious and the other feeling defeated.

Sometimes a simple sentence such as “I understand why this is important to you” can change the entire conversation. You may not ultimately get exactly what you wanted, but knowing that your spouse listened, understood, and took your needs seriously can make all the difference.

Holidays are meant to bring families closer, but they also challenge us to build and protect the family we are creating together. There will not always be a decision that makes everyone happy, and there does not need to be.

The goal is not to find a perfect solution, but to finish the conversation still knowing that the two of you are on the same team.