Your Child Won’t Go to Sleep? This Could Be Why

My three-year-old son refuses to fall asleep at night. For hours, we respond to one request after another: “I’m thirsty,” “I’m hungry,” “I need to go to the bathroom,” “Cover me up,” “I want a story.” We spend hours trying to get him to settle down, but nothing seems to work. Why is this happening, and what can we do?

When Bedtime Takes Over the Evening

A young couple who came to see me described a similar problem. Their four-year-old son would not fall asleep until the middle of the night. Evenings had become an exhausting cycle of frustration, tension, and helplessness. They had tried everything: explanations, conversations, rewards, and threats.

I asked them, “You have three children. How much of your energy goes into this one child’s bedtime?”

They thought for a moment and answered, “More than 90 percent.”

“Then what reason does he have to stop?” I asked.

When Attention Reinforces the Behavior

Sometimes a relatively small difficulty, whether it is giving up a pacifier or refusing to go to sleep, gradually comes with a very big payoff: attention, involvement, long conversations, and constant parental presence. The child is not necessarily doing this deliberately or trying to manipulate his parents. He simply learns, without anyone having to tell him, that this behavior brings him a great deal of attention.

What we repeatedly focus on, respond to, and talk about tends to take on greater importance. So while we desperately want the behavior to stop, we may unintentionally be reinforcing it with all the attention we give it.

You Cannot Make a Child Fall Asleep

The truth is that we cannot make a child fall asleep. Our job is to create the right conditions for sleep and establish clear expectations around bedtime. Falling asleep itself is up to the child and his body.

Sometimes children will even resist something they naturally need because of everything that has grown up around the behavior. The more we focus on what is actually within our control and let go of what is not, the more room we give the child to settle into a natural rhythm and gradually take age-appropriate responsibility for himself.

Sometimes the Answer Is to Do Less

If you find yourselves constantly battling a behavior you want to stop, ask yourselves: How much energy are we giving this? Could all that attention be unintentionally making the behavior more worthwhile?

Sometimes change does not begin with doing more. It begins with doing less.

Of course, there can also be medical or developmental reasons why a child struggles to fall asleep. If your child continues staying awake until very late despite changes to the bedtime routine, or if you suspect there may be another reason for the difficulty, it is important to consult a doctor.

Noa Harel is a parenting instructor, couples counselor, and consultant in personal awareness and relationships.