What Type of God Do We Want for Our Children?

Whether you are waking up to feed your newborn, chasing your toddler around the local park, reasoning with your preschooler, discussing values with your sixth grader, or negotiating a curfew with your teen, parenting is both a gift and responsibility like no other.

While the task can feel daunting, the Talmud teaches that there are three partners in the creation of a child: The mother, the father and God himself. As partners in this undertaking, we each play a monumental role in the child’s life. Parents are entrusted with the day-to-day task of raising children, but we do not do this alone. On days when we’re flying high, we are to thank God for His boundless support. On nights when we worry that we messed up (that feeling we get when the children are asleep), we must recognize that although we attempt to do our very best, we are not in charge.

The ten commandments are divided by those between man and God, and those between man and his fellow. The first five relate to our relationship with God, however, the fifth commandment to "Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God gives you," appears to be out of place. We are taught that this commandment is in fact intentionally listed alongside those between man and God, because honoring our parents is by extension, an expression of reverence for God, who is an equal partner in bringing us into the world.

And so, God instructs us to honor our parents, and it is our parents who teach us about love and fear of Heaven. They introduce us to God, the third partner in creation, and model for us the importance of faith and trust in Him.

But that’s not all. Studies find that parenting style significantly influences the way children learn to connect with others, including their perception of God. Developed by John Bowlby, Attachment Theory explains that a child’s bond with his primary caregivers sets the stage for his future relationships. Not surprisingly, a child’s first experience with authority creates the template with which they ultimately relate to God. When parents are nurturing, gentle and forgiving, a child experiences God as a loving father. If parents are overly strict, harsh, abusive or absent, the child is likely to view God as punishing or unavailable.

If you worked hard to earn the approval of your parents with outstanding performance, perhaps you believe that God will only accept you if you behave perfectly. If the nurturing you received was inconsistent, you may have developed anxious attachment, which keeps you preoccupied with attempts to remain connected. If there was constant anger and scrutiny directed at you, perhaps you feel that God is angry with you too.

What type of God do we want for our children?

As partners in creation with the shared goal of raising well-adjusted individuals, we unquestionably hope that our children develop a positive connection with Hashem. While we cannot force them to feel a certain way, as their primary caregivers, we possess a unique role in fostering healthy attachments for their future. With this awareness, we recognize the importance of being intentional in our parenting, in a way that considers the significant impact it can have as our children grow and mature. Parenting is therefore not simply a stage of life to get through, but quite literally paves the way for how our children eventually relate to others, understand spirituality, and show up in the world.

If this responsibility weighs heavily on you, remember that you are not alone. A good partnership is one of mutual trust, shared goals, a division of responsibility, and the knowledge that there is someone who will step in when we need to step away, and fill in for the ways that we may be unable to show up. God is both an ever-faithful partner and a loving parent, who cares deeply about our success, and will never abandon us.

On those harder days, we are called to dig deep for the patience to parent gently, to show up with empathy, and to remind each child that they are loved no matter what.

And then we turn to God and pray that our children develop a secure attachment to their Father in Heaven; one that imbues them with confidence, peace of mind, and resilience, come what may.