The Most Important Thing Your Child Needs From You

One of the most valuable lessons about education and influence can be found in Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers): “Loving people and drawing them close to the Torah.”

Bringing Jewish souls closer to Torah and mitzvot is an immeasurably great mission. It gives a person a life of meaning in this world and eternal merit in the World to Come. But to succeed in this mission, the first and most essential requirement is genuine, wholehearted love.

Notice the order of the teaching: First comes “loving people,” and only then “drawing them close to the Torah.” Love is the foundation that makes everything else possible. It is essential not only when bringing distant Jews closer to Torah, but also when strengthening our relationships with those already close to us, especially when it comes to raising and educating our children.

The Extraordinary Power of Love

Love is an incredibly powerful force. King Solomon wrote, “Love is as strong as death” (Song of Songs 8:6). This is not merely a poetic expression or an exaggeration. King Solomon is teaching us that love is so powerful that only death, seemingly the strongest force in this world, can serve as a fitting comparison.

Modern medicine and science also recognize the profound influence of emotions on physical health. Research into the connection between emotional well-being and the body suggests that loving, supportive family and social environments can encourage healing and support healthy brain function. Positive emotional connections can also influence the brain's ability to form new neural pathways.

Dr. Dean Ornish, a respected physician and researcher, describes this connection in his book: “Anything that strengthens feelings of love — is healing. Anything that strengthens loneliness, separation, loss, hostility, anger, cynicism, depression, alienation and similar feelings — leads to suffering, illness, and premature death.”

The placebo effect offers another example of the connection between the mind and body. A person's beliefs and expectations can sometimes produce measurable physiological changes and influence certain health outcomes, a concept discussed in Joe Dispenza's book You Are the Placebo.

Why Loving Our Children Requires Inner Work

There's an important insight I'd like to share: Loving people doesn't always come automatically, or at least, expressing that love doesn't always come easily.

This can be especially true with our own children. Our relationships with them are deeply emotional, and they often know exactly how to touch our most sensitive spots. When children challenge us, disappoint us, or leave us feeling discouraged, maintaining that loving connection can require real effort and inner work.

But our role as parents is not to give in to frustration or simply react to problems as they arise. We need to take the initiative and actively create a warm emotional connection.

And that begins within ourselves.

We must consciously work to awaken and strengthen our feelings of love, even when doing so feels difficult. Because love is the foundation upon which everything else is built: emotional security, trust, and ultimately, our ability to guide and influence our children.

Seeing the World Through Our Children's Eyes

Sometimes, the best way to communicate love is to imagine ourselves in our child's position.

What if I were the child right now? How would I be experiencing this situation? What might I be feeling or struggling to express?

When we make a genuine effort to see the world through our children's eyes, we become better equipped to say the right things, earn their trust, and offer the help they truly need.

Of course, this isn't always easy. Sometimes children experience emotional triggers that push them into survival mode, causing them to react defensively or behave in challenging ways. As the responsible adults, our role is to help them move out of that state rather than intensify it.

That means taking a deep breath, resisting the urge to take their behavior personally, and responding with patience and understanding.

It is through a calm, accepting, encouraging, and consistent relationship that we can build the bridges of trust and influence that connect us to our children.

With Hashem's help, may we all merit, through reflection, creativity, personal attention, and many heartfelt prayers, to help our children feel genuinely loved and valued.

Because ultimately, that is the most essential foundation of education.