How to Control Anger: 5 Powerful Torah Teachings for Staying Calm

A remark from a coworker, an argument at home, or a short text message that seems dismissive. Anger can rise in an instant, and before we have time to think, we may find ourselves reacting in ways we later regret.

Our sages spoke strongly about the dangers of anger. The Talmud teaches, "Whoever becomes angry is subject to all forms of Gehinnom" (Nedarim 22a). This striking statement emphasizes how deeply anger can affect our emotional well-being, our judgment, and the way we treat others.

Fortunately, the Torah offers practical guidance for navigating these difficult moments. The following five mitzvot do not all address anger directly, but each teaches an important principle about how to relate to others, even when we feel hurt, frustrated, or emotionally overwhelmed.

1. Don't Allow Anger to Turn Into Resentment

"You shall not hate your brother in your heart" (Leviticus 19:17).

When someone hurts us, we may choose to remain silent rather than confront the situation. On the surface, it appears that we've avoided an argument. But beneath that silence, anger may continue to simmer. We replay the hurtful exchange in our minds, revisit earlier disappointments, and gradually allow our feelings to harden into resentment. What began as a single upsetting incident can eventually create emotional distance between two people.

The Rambam teaches that when someone has been wronged, they should not harbor hatred in their heart. Instead, they should address the matter appropriately and explain what caused the hurt: "It is a mitzvah to inform him and say to him: Why did you do this to me? Why did you wrong me in this particular matter?" (Mishneh Torah, Hilchot De'ot 6:6).

This doesn't mean that we must confront someone over every minor remark or disappointment. Sometimes, the healthiest response is simply to forgive and move forward. But when an incident continues to trouble us, a calm and respectful conversation may be necessary. Instead of allowing resentment to build for days, we might say, "I'd like to talk about what happened yesterday. What you said really hurt me." A conversation like this can clear up misunderstandings, prevent unnecessary distance, and create an opportunity to restore the relationship.

2. Remember the Person Behind the Behavior

"You shall love your fellow as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18).

Rabbi Akiva famously declared that this mitzvah is "a great principle of the Torah" (Jerusalem Talmud, Nedarim 9:4).

It's relatively easy to treat someone with kindness and respect when they're considerate toward us. The real challenge arises when their behavior is frustrating, disappointing, or hurtful. Imagine that someone in your household has forgotten to complete a task you asked them to do. You're exhausted, it has happened before, and this time you feel ready to explode.

You could respond with accusations, bring up every previous disappointment, and tell the person how thoughtless or irresponsible they are. Or you could explain that the situation bothers you, describe why the task matters, and ask them to handle it differently next time. In both cases, you've communicated your concern. But the way you express it can determine whether the conversation leads to cooperation or another argument.

The mitzvah of loving our fellow doesn't require us to approve of every action or pretend that hurtful behavior is acceptable. It reminds us that even when our frustration is justified, the person standing before us still deserves to be treated with dignity. We can disagree with someone's actions without attacking their character, express disappointment without humiliating them, and establish boundaries without abandoning kindness.

3. Consider Whether There's Another Explanation

"You shall judge your fellow with righteousness" (Leviticus 19:15).

Our sages derive from this verse the obligation to judge others favorably when circumstances allow for a positive interpretation (Shevuot 30a).

A friend doesn't return your phone call, and you immediately assume she's ignoring you. Someone walks past without saying hello, and you're convinced they're upset with you. A message remains unanswered, and thoughts of disrespect or inconsideration begin to fill your mind. What if your friend was simply busy? What if the person who passed you never noticed you were there? What if your message was overlooked or forgotten?

When we interpret another person's behavior negatively before knowing the facts, anger can take hold long before we have established whether there's any reason to be upset. Judging someone favorably doesn't mean ignoring reality, excusing genuinely harmful behavior, or inventing explanations that contradict the evidence. It means resisting the temptation to assume the worst when another reasonable explanation is possible.

Often, a brief conversation is all it takes to resolve a misunderstanding that might otherwise have caused days of unnecessary anger. The next time you feel offended by someone's behavior, consider asking yourself: Do I actually know why this happened, or am I filling in the missing information with my own assumptions? That small moment of reflection can change the direction of an entire interaction.

4. Be Careful With Words Spoken in Anger

"You shall not wrong one another" (Leviticus 25:17).

The Talmud explains that this prohibition includes ona'at devarim—causing another person pain through our words (Bava Metzia 58b). Our sages emphasize the severity of verbal mistreatment, teaching that it is, in certain respects, more serious than financial wrongdoing. One explanation is that financial harm can often be repaired by returning the money, while the emotional damage caused by hurtful words cannot always be undone.

One of the greatest challenges during an argument is resisting the urge to have the final word. When we feel deeply hurt, we may desperately want to say something that will make the other person understand just how much they've upset us. But a cutting remark spoken in anger can remain in someone's memory long after the disagreement itself has been forgotten.

Consider the difference between saying, "I felt hurt by what you said," and declaring, "You always think only about yourself." The first statement describes a specific experience and opens the door to a conversation, while the second attacks the other person's character and can quickly escalate the conflict. Even when our frustration is legitimate, we still have a responsibility to consider how we express it.

Before responding, it can help to ask three simple questions: Is what I'm about to say true? Does it need to be said? And is this the right moment and the right way to say it? A few seconds of reflection may prevent words that could take much longer to repair.

5. Learn the Strength of Self-Control

"And you shall walk in His ways" (Deuteronomy 28:9).

Our sages explain that this commandment requires us to emulate Hashem's attributes. Just as He is merciful and compassionate, we should strive to act with mercy and compassion toward others (Shabbat 133b).

The Rambam offers particularly strong guidance regarding anger: "It is proper for a person to distance himself from anger to the opposite extreme and train himself not to become angry" (Hilchot De'ot 2:3).

This is no small undertaking. There are moments when our feelings are deeply hurt, exhaustion has worn down our patience, and remaining calm seems almost impossible. That is precisely why learning to pause before reacting is such an important habit.

When you feel anger beginning to take over, you might say, "I'm upset right now. Can we talk about this in a few minutes?" You might step out of the room briefly, drink some water, or give yourself time to regain your composure before continuing the conversation. These actions may seem simple, but they create space between the emotion we experience and the response we choose.

The goal isn't to deny our feelings or pretend that nothing bothers us but to recognize that experiencing anger doesn't mean we have to act on it immediately. With practice, we can learn to acknowledge our emotions while still responding in a way that reflects our values.

True Strength Is Knowing When to Stop

Pirkei Avot teaches, "Who is mighty? One who conquers his inclination" (Avot 4:1).

We often associate strength with action: overcoming obstacles, standing up for ourselves, or accomplishing something difficult. However, our sages remind us that genuine strength is also found in the ability to refrain from doing something we know is wrong.

A person who resists the urge to respond to an insult with another insult demonstrates a profound form of self-control. Someone who chooses to pause rather than react impulsively is exercising strength that may be invisible to everyone else but is deeply significant. And like any meaningful skill, emotional self-control develops through practice.

Start with small steps. The next time a disagreement arises, wait a few seconds before responding. If a conversation becomes heated, suggest continuing it later. And if you've already said something hurtful, don't hesitate to apologize and make an effort to repair the damage.

We won't always succeed. There will be moments when our emotions get the better of us, and that's part of the ongoing work of refining our character. What matters is our willingness to keep learning, improving, and developing healthier habits.

The next time a sharp response is on the tip of your tongue, ask yourself whether saying it will actually help resolve the problem. Sometimes, the wisest response is simply to wait. After all, we can always choose to say something later, but once hurtful words have been spoken, we cannot always take them back.