The Secret to Lasting Love: Marriage Lessons From Chayei Sarah

The holiness and strength of the Jewish home are among the foundations of the Jewish people.

The Torah introduces the idea of marriage at the very beginning of Genesis: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Countless books have been written in an attempt to uncover the secret of a lasting marriage. Yet divorce rates across the Western world raise an important question: Perhaps the “glue” that many people rely on to hold a marriage together simply isn't strong enough.

Parashat Chayei Sarah tells us, among other things, about the marriage of our forefather Isaac and our foremother Rebecca. Their story offers valuable lessons about the ideal Jewish home and the deeper meaning of the Torah's instruction to “cling to his wife.”

To better understand what creates a lasting bond between husband and wife, let us examine what the Torah teaches us through the marriages of Abraham and Sarah, and Isaac and Rebecca.

Abraham and Sarah: United by a Shared Purpose

Abraham and Sarah were relatives (see Rashi on Genesis 20:12). Unlike the marriages of the other forefathers and foremothers, the Torah does not describe how they first came to know one another.

However, one of the most significant factors that united Abraham and Sarah may have been the shared mission to which they devoted their lives.

The Torah tells us that when Abraham and Sarah left Haran, they took with them “the souls they had made in Haran” (Genesis 12:5).

What does it mean to “make souls”? How can a person create another person's soul?

Rashi, quoting the Midrash, explains that Abraham and Sarah brought people closer to Hashem and helped them embrace belief in Him. Abraham taught the men, while Sarah taught the women. The Torah therefore credits them as though they had created these people themselves.

Abraham and Sarah were full partners in a divine mission that shaped their entire lives: revealing the Creator's presence in the world and laying the foundations of the Jewish people.

A shared mission can be one of the strongest forces uniting a couple. This is especially true when that mission reaches beyond personal interests and immediate circumstances, connecting husband and wife to something greater and more enduring than themselves.

That was the partnership Abraham and Sarah shared.

When Sarah passed away, the Torah tells us: “And Abraham came to eulogize Sarah and to weep for her” (Genesis 23:2).

Interestingly, the Torah mentions Abraham's eulogy before his tears. We might have expected the opposite, since crying is usually the immediate response to losing someone we love.

One explanation is that Abraham first reflected on Sarah's greatness and the extraordinary work they had accomplished together. Their shared purpose had formed the foundation of their bond, making her loss even more profound.

Abraham was mourning not only the loss of his beloved wife, but also the loss of the person who had stood beside him throughout his life's mission.

The Midrash teaches that the famous passage Eshet Chayil (“A Woman of Valor”), found at the end of Proverbs, represents Abraham's eulogy for Sarah (Midrash Tanchuma, Chayei Sarah 4). Each verse can be understood as expressing another aspect of Sarah's greatness and her partnership with Abraham.

From Abraham and Sarah, we learn that one of the strongest foundations of marriage is a shared sense of purpose.

Isaac and Rebecca: Commitment to an Unknown Future

The marriage of Isaac and Rebecca introduces another essential ingredient: the willingness to commit to one another despite the uncertainty of the future.

Most of us naturally want to feel in control of our lives. We make plans about what to study, when to marry, where to live, and which career to pursue.

Yet reality does not always unfold according to our expectations. Hashem guides the world according to His wisdom, and none of us can truly know what the future holds.

Of course, we must plan carefully, make thoughtful decisions, and take responsibility for our choices. That is the effort expected of us. At the same time, we must recognize that life will inevitably bring surprises.

Marriage requires a particularly meaningful form of commitment. When two people decide to marry, they are choosing to devote themselves to one another without knowing exactly what their future together will look like.

They may see the world in a certain way today, but their circumstances, perspectives, and priorities may change over time. Their commitment must be strong enough to withstand those changes.

A couple must therefore enter marriage with the understanding that life will not always unfold as expected. There will be challenges, unexpected developments, and periods of change. Yet their devotion to one another should remain a constant.

This does not mean making decisions carelessly. On the contrary, marriage requires careful consideration and sound judgment. But even the most thoughtful couple cannot anticipate every detail of the years ahead.

When Rebecca first encounters Isaac, she is riding on a camel. The Torah tells us: “And Rebecca lifted up her eyes and she saw Isaac” (Genesis 24:64).

At first glance, this description seems unusual. Rebecca was sitting on a camel and was presumably already positioned higher than Isaac. Why, then, does the Torah emphasize that she lifted her eyes?

One way to understand this is that Rebecca was looking beyond Isaac's outward appearance. She recognized his elevated spiritual character and saw in him a person of extraordinary inner greatness.

Her gaze was directed toward something deeper than what could be seen on the surface.

True Love Grows Through Marriage

The Torah's description of Isaac and Rebecca's marriage contains another remarkable lesson.

“And Isaac brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother, and he took Rebecca and she became his wife, and he loved her” (Genesis 24:67).

Notice the order of events. First, Isaac brings Rebecca into his home. Then she becomes his wife. Only afterward does the Torah tell us that he loved her.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch offers a profound explanation of this sequence.

He writes that one of the defining qualities of the marriages of Abraham and Sarah's descendants is that love develops and deepens through the marriage itself.

“The more she became his wife, the more his love for her grew!”

Rabbi Hirsch explains that, traditionally, Jewish marriages were founded not merely on passion or romantic attraction, but on thoughtful consideration of whether two people were truly suited to one another.

As husband and wife came to know each other more deeply, their love grew alongside their understanding, appreciation, and commitment.

He contrasts this with marriages founded primarily on romantic passion, where the excitement of the relationship before marriage may not always survive the realities of everyday life.

When love is based mainly on an idealized image of another person, disappointment can arise as that image gives way to reality.

But when marriage begins with genuine compatibility, shared values, and a commitment to building a life together, love has the opportunity to grow stronger over time.

As Rabbi Hirsch beautifully expresses it, the wedding is not the peak of love's blossoming, but its root.

The Torah then concludes the account with another deeply moving statement:

“And Isaac was comforted after his mother” (Genesis 24:67).

Rabbi Hirsch reflects on the extraordinary meaning of these words. Isaac was 40 years old and had been unable to find comfort after the death of his mother, Sarah. Yet through his marriage to Rebecca, he finally found consolation.

With Sarah's passing, the home had lost the spiritual presence and warmth she had brought to it. Rebecca now restored those qualities, bringing new life and comfort into Isaac's world.

Rabbi Hirsch sees this as one of the Torah's greatest expressions of the honor and dignity of a Jewish woman.

Rebecca did not simply become Isaac's wife. She helped restore the sense of wholeness that had been missing from his home.

Together, these two marriages reveal essential foundations of a lasting Jewish home: the shared purpose that united Abraham and Sarah, and the enduring commitment and growing love that characterized Isaac and Rebecca.

They remind us that a strong marriage is not built on emotion alone, but on the decision to build a meaningful life together, remain devoted through life's changes, and allow love to deepen with time.