When Your Child Rebels: What Avraham and Yishmael Teach Us About Parenting

Sometimes parents are confronted with provocative, disrespectful, or openly defiant behavior from their teenagers, leaving them feeling that they must take decisive action to make it clear that such conduct is unacceptable. Yet these are delicate situations, and the consequences of our decisions can be profound. There are times when firm boundaries are necessary, and yet, even then, parents must know how to establish those boundaries appropriately. In some circumstances, a greater emphasis on “the right hand draws near”—responding with warmth, understanding, and connection—may offer a safer and more effective approach.

While it is impossible to address every complex parenting situation, one argument frequently arises among parents struggling with teenagers who engage in troubling or high-risk behavior: Didn't Avraham Avinu send Yishmael away? Doesn't that suggest that parents may sometimes do the same?

Our sages addressed this very question, explaining why Avraham's decision to send Yishmael away cannot serve as a general model for parenting. His circumstances were exceptional, involving a specific Divine command rather than a universal educational principle. Several important distinctions help us understand why.

1. Avraham Received an Explicit Divine Command

Avraham did not independently decide to send Yishmael away as a disciplinary measure. He acted in response to an explicit command from Hashem, making his circumstances fundamentally different from those facing parents today. Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv emphasized this distinction, pointing to the example of Yitzchak Avinu. When Yitzchak faced the challenge of a son who followed a different path, he did not imitate Avraham by sending him away. Instead, he continued to love his son and draw him close.

As cited in Netivei Malchut (Essay 38), this teaching demonstrates that Avraham's treatment of Yishmael was not intended to establish a general rule requiring parents to distance themselves from children who stray from their values.

2. Yishmael Was Not Sent Away Alone

Another crucial distinction is that Yishmael was sent away together with his mother, Hagar. The Ramban (Genesis 21:9) draws attention to this detail, and Rabbi Hershele of Spinka, as cited in Netivei Malchut, derives an important lesson from it. Even in an extraordinary situation involving severe wrongdoing and an explicit Divine command to send a child away, Avraham did not send Yishmael into the world alone. His mother accompanied him.

The implication is particularly significant for parents facing serious behavioral challenges. Whatever boundaries may be necessary, a vulnerable child should not be abandoned or left without appropriate care and support. Even when a situation calls for difficult decisions, a child's safety and well-being must remain central considerations.

3. We Cannot Automatically Apply Events From Before the Giving of the Torah

The Chazon Ish was once consulted by a yeshiva dean who was considering expelling a student. During their discussion, the dean attempted to justify the decision by citing Avraham's treatment of Yishmael. The Chazon Ish rejected the comparison, invoking the principle that practical rulings cannot automatically be derived from events that occurred before the giving of the Torah.

As recorded in Maaseh Ish (Volume 1, page 74), he maintained that the story of Yishmael's departure could not be used as a precedent for expelling a student. Even when a biblical narrative appears to support a particular course of action, its unique circumstances must be considered rather than assuming that it provides a practical directive for contemporary situations.

4. Avraham Never Stopped Loving Yishmael

Perhaps the most powerful lesson emerges from what happened after Yishmael was sent away. According to Pirkei DeRabbi Eliezer (Chapters 30–31), Avraham did not sever his relationship with his son. He continued visiting Yishmael, and Yishmael also came to visit him.

Rabbi Gamliel Rabinowitz, writing in Tiv HaKehillah (Parashat Vayeira 5786), highlights an even deeper point: Avraham continued loving Yishmael just as he loved Yitzchak. This is reflected in the exchange preceding the Akeidah, when Hashem tells Avraham, “Take your son, your only one, whom you love.” According to the Midrashic interpretation, Avraham responds that he loves both of his sons.

Despite Yishmael's behavior and the painful separation between them, Avraham's love for him never disappeared. Rabbi Rabinowitz connects this enduring love with Yishmael's eventual repentance toward the end of his life. Rather than viewing Yishmael's expulsion as permission to reject a child who has strayed, he suggests that the central lesson for parents is precisely the opposite: A parent's responsibility is to cultivate love even for children who are disobedient, rebellious, or have departed significantly from the path on which they were raised.

When parents consciously nurture feelings of love and compassion toward their children, they create an opportunity for those children to experience renewed affection and connection in return. According to Rabbi Rabinowitz, this is a tried-and-tested approach that can help children make healthier and more constructive choices.

The Power of Love, Even When Boundaries Are Necessary

Parenting a teenager who challenges authority, rejects family values, or engages in troubling behavior can be emotionally exhausting. Parents may fear that responding with warmth will be interpreted as weakness or approval of unacceptable conduct. Yet the story of Avraham and Yishmael, as understood through these rabbinic teachings, offers a more nuanced perspective. Firm boundaries and enduring parental love are not mutually exclusive. A parent can disapprove of a child's behavior while continuing to affirm the child's worth and place within the family.

There may be circumstances in which serious intervention or protective boundaries are necessary, but such decisions require careful consideration of the child's well-being rather than an impulsive response to anger or frustration. The essential lesson is that a child's behavior may need correction, but the parent-child relationship should remain a source of love, security, and hope.

Avraham's love for Yishmael did not end when their paths separated. According to these teachings, that enduring connection ultimately helped create the possibility for Yishmael's return. Sometimes, the most effective way to guide a struggling child is not to push harder, but to find a way to draw them closer.