Halachot and Customs
A Wedding with Separation
Question
Hello, I have returned to observance, and, with Hashem's help,
I am getting married in the month of Nisan to my fiance, who has also returned to observance. (We both come from secular families). We want a wedding with complete separation (in the dancing and at the seating tables), but our families and friends are secular, and in general the crowd at the wedding will be mostly secular. The parents, family, and friends keep asking that we do separation only in the dancing and not in the seating. My fiance does not want to hear about this. And it is very hard for me. I want complete separation, but this is something that really makes my parents sad and causes arguments. What should we do? How should one behave in such a situation?
Thank you very much!
Answer
To the questioner,
Congratulations, and may it be Hashem's will that everything be at a good and successful time.
Apologies for the delay in the response.
Here are the words of the leading posek of the generation, Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, z"l, regarding the matter (Yalkut Yosef - Engagements and Marriage, chapter 14):
" It is simple and clear that according to halacha it is forbidden to dance mixed dances at a wedding, men and women together, [or a circle of women and a circle of men side by side], and one who violates this bears a burdened iniquity. Even those who look at these dances will not go unpunished, for although there is a great mitzvah to gladden a bride and groom, one does not perform a mitzvah through a sin, and all the more so through such a severe sin. [Chuppah and Kiddushin, p. 269]."
I would advise printing these words and showing them to the family members, and summing up with them: in any case, the dancing will not be together. And the entire purpose of the wedding is to bring about the establishment of peace in the home between the groom and the bride. Therefore, you ask them: please do not cause you problems in shalom bayit even before you are married, and please do not apply any pressure at all on this matter.
At the same time (without telling the relatives), ask your fiance whether he is willing for the dancing to be separate, the seating to be separate, and only at the very end of the hall, on the women's side, 2-3 tables be set aside for the secular guests to sit together. And perhaps he will agree in such a way, and then you will have done what you were able to do.
However, if in the end the groom does not agree, of course you need to respect his opinion; and explain to your relatives as above.
And may it be Hashem's will that you merit a beautiful wedding that is comfortable for everyone, and that you merit to build together a faithful home in Israel at a good and successful time.
Rabbi Nachum
