Tu B’Av: The Surprising and Powerful History Behind the Jewish Day of Love

This evening marks the beginning of Tu B'Av, a unique, holy, and joyful night. The Mishnah states in Tractate Ta'anit (4:8): "Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: There were no greater festivals for Israel than the Fifteenth of Av and Yom Kippur."

This remarkable statement invites an important question: What is the source of this extraordinary joy and holiness? Why is Tu B'Av placed alongside Yom Kippur as one of the greatest days in the Jewish calendar?

To understand this, we turn to an episode recorded in the Book of Judges (chapters 19–21).

A Levite and his concubine experienced a period of estrangement after she returned to her father's home. Eventually, the Levite went to reconcile with her, and together they began their journey home. Along the way, they stopped for the night in Gibeah, a town belonging to the tribe of Benjamin, where they were welcomed into the home of a local resident.

That night, a group of wicked men surrounded the house, demanding that the visitors be handed over to them so they could abuse them. Instead, the woman was forced outside, where she was brutally assaulted throughout the night. At dawn, with her last remaining strength, she reached the doorway of the house, collapsed, and died.

When her husband discovered what had happened, he was overcome with horror. In order to awaken the conscience of the nation, he divided her body into pieces and sent them throughout the tribes of Israel, forcing the people to confront the terrible crime that had been committed.

The entire nation gathered and demanded that the tribe of Benjamin surrender those responsible. Benjamin refused.

As a result, civil war broke out.

The conflict was devastating. The warriors of Benjamin were exceptionally skilled, and during the first two battles they defeated the other tribes, killing forty thousand Israelites. It was a tragic spectacle of brother fighting brother.

In the third battle, however, the rest of Israel prevailed, and approximately twenty five thousand men of Benjamin were killed.

After the war, the tribes of Israel swore that none of them would allow their daughters to marry the few surviving men of Benjamin.

Only later did they realize the consequences of their oath. An entire tribe of Israel faced extinction. As Scripture describes, the people gathered before God at Bethel, lifted their voices, and wept bitterly, crying, "Why has this happened in Israel, that today one tribe should be missing from Israel?"

Filled with regret, they searched for a solution. They could not simply break their oath, yet they desperately wanted to preserve the tribe of Benjamin.

Eventually, they found a legal solution.

Their oath prohibited them from giving their daughters in marriage to Benjamin. It did not forbid the Benjaminites from taking wives on their own initiative.

Therefore, the young women of Shiloh were instructed to go out and dance in the vineyards, as they did during the annual festival. The surviving men of Benjamin waited among the vineyards, chose wives, and married them, allowing their tribe to survive and eventually flourish once again.

This is the historical background behind the famous tradition of the daughters of Jerusalem dancing in the vineyards on Tu B'Av.

Love or Desire?

Today, Tu B'Av is often referred to simply as the "Festival of Love." Unfortunately, there is widespread confusion between love and desire.

Desire is fundamentally self centered. It is the inner drive to satisfy one's own needs and wants. By nature, people tend to focus on themselves, seeking pleasure, comfort, and personal fulfillment. When relationships are built primarily on what one receives, they are driven by desire rather than love.

Love is the exact opposite.

True love begins when a person steps outside of himself and asks, "How can I benefit someone else? How can I give rather than take?"

A beautiful insight is hinted at in the Hebrew word ahavah (love). It can be viewed as containing the ideas of hav ("give") and heh ("here, take"). The essence of love is transforming the desire to take into the desire to give.

Today, when someone says, "I love you," what they often mean is, "I enjoy being with you. You make me happy. I want you to continue making me feel good."

In reality, that statement may still be centered on oneself. The relationship exists because it provides personal satisfaction. The moment it becomes difficult, demanding, or uncomfortable, the feelings disappear.

That is not love; that is desire.

Perhaps this helps explain why so many marriages struggle. When each spouse is primarily focused on personal fulfillment, the relationship eventually becomes strained.

The Torah presents a very different model of love.

It teaches us how to give of ourselves to another person. It teaches husbands and wives to build their marriage upon mutual giving, and together to dedicate their lives to serving God. When a relationship is founded on giving instead of taking, everything changes. Love deepens, trust grows, and the relationship becomes lasting and meaningful.

This is the deeper message of Tu B'Av.

It is not merely a celebration of romance. It is a celebration of selfless love, restored unity, forgiveness, and the willingness to give. These are the qualities that heal relationships, preserve families, strengthen the Jewish people, and bring us closer to God.

May we all merit to experience that kind of love.