The Courage to Make Peace: A Powerful Lesson for the Ten Days of Repentance

It was Shabbat Shuvah, and my husband shared a story he had heard in the rabbi's sermon that morning.

A woman had come to her rabbi, heartbroken because three of her children had not yet found their life partners.

"Rabbi," she asked, "do you have any advice for me?"

The rabbi replied, "Think carefully. Is there anyone in the world with whom you are estranged? Someone who may have been hurt by you?"

After a few moments of reflection, she answered, "There is a woman in my building. We haven't spoken to each other in more than ten years."

"In that case," the rabbi said, "I suggest you bake her a beautiful cake, write her a kind note, knock on her door, and try to make peace."

"With that neighbor?" the woman exclaimed in horror. "I'd rather my children remain single!"

For a brief moment I laughed, just as everyone else did.

Then something struck me deep in the heart. He's talking about me.

The Excuses We Tell Ourselves

Several years earlier, I had learned that someone had been hurt by something I had done. Instead of dealing with it, I quietly buried it in the back of my mind.

Every now and then it would resurface, but my ego always had another excuse ready.

She has probably forgotten about it by now. It was only a professional interaction. We don't even see each other anymore. She tends to overreact. We're simply very different people.

Each time, I pushed the issue back into the hidden basement of my subconscious.

When Loving Others Isn't Easy

Then I remembered a beautiful teaching.

One Friday night, on Parashat Balak, the Rebbe addressed his chassidim and remarked that the word Balak could be read as an acronym for the verse, "Love your fellow as yourself."

One of the chassidim courageously spoke up.

"Rebbe, forgive me, but that doesn't work. The word ve'ahavta ('you shall love') is spelled with a vav, and kamocha ('as yourself') isn't spelled with a kuf."

"That," the Rebbe responded passionately, "is exactly the point. Loving another person is meaningful precisely when it doesn't fit neatly. When it's easy and everything works out, that's no great accomplishment."

Finding the Courage to Reach Out

Those words echoed in my mind.

During the most spiritually elevated time of Shabbat afternoon, I spoke to myself:

Tamar, you owe this to yourself. You owe it to God's honor. Don't become the absurd woman in the rabbi's story.

After Shabbat ended, I gathered my courage.

Five years had passed. I reached out. And the monster I had imagined all those years wasn't nearly as frightening as I had made it out to be.

The Name of God Revealed During These Days

We all long for peace and harmony.

But the "old and foolish king," as the evil inclination is described by our Sages, knows that very well. He disguises himself in clever ways, stirring conflict through misunderstandings, wounded feelings, and differing opinions.

Then the King of Kings comes to us during the Ten Days of Repentance and says:

"My daughters, during these ten days I reveal Myself through a special Name: the One Who Makes Peace. Let go of your ego. Release your hurt. Step outside your comfort zone. Go and make peace."