How to Forgive Yourself: The Deeper Message of Selichot

As the Jewish people gather to recite Selichot, familiar prayers echo through synagogues and our hearts turn toward reflection, repentance, and renewal, we tend to focus on our relationships with others and with Hashem. But there is one person we almost always forget: ourselves.

Forgiving Others, but Not Ourselves

When asking forgiveness from others, we know how to apologize, make amends, and offer a kind word. But for the mistakes we have made in our own lives, our inner critic quickly takes over. Suddenly, forgiveness becomes much more difficult.

We tend to be our own harshest critics. We tell ourselves that we are not good enough at home, not patient enough with our children, not successful enough. Our internal record book always seems to be open, keeping track of every mistake, every missed opportunity, and every small failure.

But the truth is that if you want to move forward, you first need to learn to forgive yourself and develop self compassion.

What Does Self Compassion Mean?

Self compassion, which grows out of self forgiveness, means recognizing that I am human, and I am learning as I go. Even when I make mistakes or fall short, I still have the ability to repair, grow, and move forward.

This does not mean giving up on the desire to improve. Quite the opposite. Self compassion provides a strong foundation for genuine change. Just as constant criticism does not help children grow and can actually interfere with their development, we cannot expect ourselves to grow without also offering ourselves encouragement and kindness.

How Can We Practice It?

Write it down: Give words to your feelings, your mistakes, and also your successes. Do you feel that you have made mistakes? Are you struggling to forgive yourself? Put it all down on paper.

Soften the criticism: Whenever a judgmental thought arises, such as “I’m not good enough at...” try replacing it with a more constructive thought: “I’m working toward...”

Treat yourself with respect: Care for yourself with kindness. Allow yourself appropriate rest, movement, and time to breathe.

Speak to Hashem: In your personal prayers, ask Hashem not only to forgive you, but also to help you forgive yourself.

The atmosphere of Selichot reminds us that Hashem is filled with compassion and is always ready to forgive us. If He, the King of Kings, is willing to forgive us, who are we to refuse to forgive ourselves?

This year, alongside the Selichot we say in the synagogue, we can also seek an inner forgiveness, one that creates space for joy, a renewed smile, and the possibility of beginning again.