Want Your Children to Listen? Try This at the Shabbat Table

When you begin with the words, “Once upon a time...,” something changes. Concentration rises, ears become attentive, and people want to hear what comes next.

A story has the power to lift a person out of the present moment and take them on something like a magical journey to another scene, place, and time. Listeners disconnect from the thoughts they are “stuck” in, and their hearts become more open to receiving a message.

It has been said that the Hebrew word for story is related to “sapphire and radiance.” A story has the power to illuminate an idea and place it in the heart. As we say in the Haggadah, “Even if we are all wise, all understanding... we are commanded to tell.”

That is why it is worthwhile to prepare a story for those moments when we sit with our children in a relaxed atmosphere, away from the constant hum of screens and phones, such as at the Shabbat table.

Choose a story from which a meaningful message can emerge. When that message is woven naturally into the story, it becomes easier for children to accept, identify with, and internalize. The familiar resistance that often arises in response to criticism also begins to fade.

A Story Can Open the Heart

Human nature is such that we are not always eager to listen to someone else, particularly when a conversation goes on and on or when we feel that our independence is being challenged and someone is entering our private space.

If you have ever had to speak before an audience, especially a group of strangers, you may have felt a certain distance in the room. The expressions seem to communicate a lack of cooperation, almost as if to say, “Who is this person, and what does he want from us?”

If people do not particularly enjoy listening to sermons, they certainly do not enjoy being told what they should and should not do. This is especially true when someone lectures them, criticizes them, points out where they are going wrong, and tells them exactly what they need to fix or improve.

At times, there can almost be a feeling of hostility toward the speaker: “Who made you a ruler and judge over us? Are you going to tell us what to do?”

A story can thaw that atmosphere of distance and resistance. It creates a sense of connection and goodwill toward the storyteller. Most importantly, it softens the listener’s resistance to the lesson that follows. Naturally, it can also quiet the side conversations that so easily develop in a group.

The moment a good story begins, the whispering stops. A deep quiet settles over the room, and the audience joins together in focused, attentive listening.

There is an important principle in the toolkit of effective speakers: “It is not the lesson that matters most, but the deed.” If you have a valuable teaching to share, attach a deed to it, meaning a story.

Do not place all the emphasis on the subject you want to teach or the message you want to deliver. Give attention to the accompanying story as well, because it is the story that opens the heart and brings the idea to life.

Don't Wait Until Shabbat to Find a Story

Once we understand the power of storytelling, we have a practical task: prepare an engaging story or incident that contains a meaningful message.

Yet the moment we decide that we need an interesting story, our minds can suddenly go blank. The more we try to remember something, the harder it becomes to pull even a fragment of a suitable story from memory.

There is no reason to feel inadequate. Most people do not have a collection of stories ready to pull out at a moment’s notice.

“And it shall be on the sixth day that they prepare what they bring.” Friday is a time for preparation, and those preparations take many forms. We cook food, iron clothing, organize the home, and polish the Kiddush cup. There is one more important preparation worth adding to that list: preparing a story.

No homemaker, even the most skilled one, expecting distinguished guests such as her husband’s parents, would imagine waiting until they arrive, pulling something random from the freezer, opening a few cans, and hoping to somehow put together a meal. Naturally, she would prepare properly in advance and make dishes worthy of serving her guests.

The same principle applies to stories and words of Torah at the Shabbat table. Do not assume that inspiration will simply arrive at the right moment or that you will somehow find something meaningful to say.

Prepare it carefully and in advance, just as you would prepare anything else of value.

Prepare the Message Along With the Meal

Your home likely contains books filled with suitable stories and ideas, with an even wider selection available in bookstores. Set aside a little time before Shabbat, perhaps even on Wednesday or Thursday, to sit peacefully and choose a story with a message you want to share.

The food on the Shabbat table deserves preparation. So does the conversation around it.

A carefully chosen story can capture your children’s attention, soften resistance, and allow an important lesson to enter their hearts naturally. Sometimes, the message children remember most is not the one they were directly taught, but the one they discovered for themselves through a story.

Good luck!

Rabbi David Feirman is a lecturer on child education and the author of When Will My Children Listen to Me? and The Shabbat Table With Children.