Still Thinking About a Shidduch Who Got Married? It’s Time to Let Go

This week, I received an emotional email, one of many that have reached me since I began writing this blog.

The message came from Rachel, not her real name, who introduced herself as the mother of a 37 year old single woman. Her daughter, she explained, is certainly “not a child anymore,” yet in some ways, she feels she is behaving like one.

“I understand that her situation isn’t easy,” Rachel wrote. “She carries a heavy workload as an accountant at a large company and works in a high pressure position. And when you add her desire to get married, a desire that still hasn’t been fulfilled, it’s hard.”

But then the mother revealed that her daughter was carrying a secret. It was something she had shared only with her mother, something that had stayed with her for years and refused to let go.

“I know you’re not supposed to reveal secrets,” Rachel wrote nervously. Still, she felt compelled to share it because she was so worried about her daughter. She asked me to write about the issue, hoping it might help “not only my daughter, but all the women in her situation, so they’ll open their eyes and stop crying over what doesn’t belong to them.”

Her daughter could not stop thinking about and missing a shidduch she had dated around five years earlier.

The man was now married.

At that point, I knew I needed to understand more. I called the mother and asked her to tell me what had happened.

“For almost two years now, she has barely gone out on shidduchim,” Rachel explained. “She is completely stuck on this man, as though he is the only man on earth. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried talking to her in every possible way. I’ve explained that if he got married, he isn’t hers, but nothing works. My words fall on deaf ears.

“I’m constantly suggesting shidduchim to her, but she interprets that as though I’m pressuring her to get married. I’m not. I just want her to move forward with her life and stop being stuck on this man.”

It Ended, and as Painful as That Is, You Have to Move Forward

It was interesting that Rachel chose to approach me, because I had spent many years in the world of shidduchim myself.

“You were in the shidduchim world for so long,” she told me. “I want to know what you think about this.”

“Looking from the outside and giving advice is easy,” I told her. “After all, I don’t know your daughter or the man. I can only speak in general terms, based on my own experience, and hope that perhaps these words will reach someone who needs to hear them.”

But I realized there were really two people I wanted to address: the daughter and her mother. Each has a role in navigating this painful situation.

To the daughter, I would say this:

Sometimes, you need to stop and listen to people with greater life experience. Not simply because they are older, but because time has given them a perspective that can be difficult to see when you are living inside the pain.

Right now, you may feel that no one could replace this man. You remember how pleasant he was during your shidduch, how kindly he spoke to you, and perhaps how strongly you believed things were moving toward marriage.

But in the end, the shidduch ended.

It does not matter now what caused it.

The reality is that it ended, and as painful as that is, you have to move forward.

Why? Because this is the will of Hashem. If you believe in Hashem, there comes a point when you must allow yourself to let go.

Sometimes we only understand much later why Hashem asked us to release something we desperately wanted to hold onto. One day, when you meet your true zivug and build your home, perhaps you will look back and understand things that make no sense to you today.

But you cannot reach what is waiting ahead if your heart remains entirely turned toward what is behind you.

When the Past Prevents You From Seeing the Future

I know letting go is difficult. I know because I have experienced that struggle myself.

But I also know something else.

Everything Hashem did for me was ultimately for my good. Anyone I wanted who did not want me in return was simply not mine. At the end of my own journey, I received what was right for me.

So what do we gain by constantly turning our heads toward the past?

When you remain focused on the past, you are not truly giving the present, or the future, a chance.

You become consumed by what you do not have instead of recognizing what you do have. And when a person constantly focuses on what is missing, painful thoughts about themselves and others can begin to take over.

For nearly two years, you have barely allowed yourself to meet anyone new because your heart remains attached to the memory of a shidduch with someone who is now married.

As a believing Jewish woman, there is an important truth to accept: if he married someone else, then he is not yours.

That realization may hurt. But it can also set you free.

Stand up again. Straighten your back. Remember your worth and move through this challenge with the strength you already possess. You have survived disappointments before, and you can continue walking now.

When your mother suggests another shidduch, she may not be trying to pressure you into marriage. She wants to help you find what belongs to you and release what does not.

At the same time, you are allowed to set boundaries. If you do not want your shidduchim to come through her, explain that gently and kindly. Tell her how she can support you without making you feel pressured.

A Message to Mothers of Singles

And to you, dear mother, I would say this:

It is beautiful that you care so deeply and want to help your daughter. But sometimes the greatest help you can offer is not another suggestion or another conversation about marriage. Sometimes it is simply understanding and empathy.

Single women, particularly those who have been waiting for years to find their zivug, may need enormous amounts of both.

You can gently ask what is happening with her shidduchim, but she may not always want to tell you everything. Make room for that.

And when she does choose to share, hold what she tells you as carefully as you would hold something fragile and precious.

The longer the wait becomes, the more sensitive the subject can feel. No woman wants to spend her life longing for something that does not belong to her. She wants to find her zivug, the person Hashem has intended for her.

But when the road stretches on and salvation still seems far away, sensitivity becomes more important than ever.

Offer kind and encouraging words. Find small ways to bring her joy. Remind her of everything she is beyond her marital status.

And when you feel there is nothing more you can say or do, place the burden in Hashem’s hands through prayer.

He knows what to do with it.