A Yom Kippur Reflection: What Do Our Children Need From Us?

Yom Kippur is an opportunity to take stock not only of who we are, but also of who we are for our children.

Throughout the prayers of this holy day, we repeat the confession numerous times. Later authorities explain that the purpose of confession is not to depress us, or make us dwell on how terrible we are, but to demonstrate us that sin is something external to our true selves.

Through confession, we remove the barriers and draw closer to the Creator, and to the Godly spark that exists deeply within us. My true self is not the sin. Confession helps clarify the false “I,” in the spirit of the verse, “And I was among the exiles” (Yechezkel 1:1), and reveals that the true self is fundamentally good, while still taking clear responsibility for what needs to be corrected.

To Improve, We First Need to See

The same is true in education. If I want to improve, I first must be willing to see what needs correcting, without forgetting to see what is already good.

As preparation for confession, there are several questions every parent, teacher, and educator can ask themselves. Do I notice my children’s strengths, successes, and moments of self-control, and do I make a point of highlighting them? Am I investing enough in building trust with the children? When was the last time I told a child that I was proud of them?

Routine can wear us down, so we need to ask ourselves what we are doing to renew our energy and sense of mission. Am I bringing enough creativity and enthusiasm into my role as a parent or educator? Am I able to create a more meaningful Shabbat table, give a more inspiring lesson, or offer a learning experience that a child will actually remember?

Am I Helping Them Grow?

Another important question is whether we are giving children the tools to grow independently. How am I helping them set goals for themselves and persevere? What tools for self-management and independent learning am I practicing with them?

One of the greatest gifts we can give a child is not simply telling them what to do, but helping them develop the ability to guide themselves, make choices, and continue growing even when we are not standing beside them.

Am I Really Listening?

We must also consider whether we are truly listening to the children, not only to what they say, but also to what they do not say. Sometimes a child’s silence says more than their words.

Is there a child who was hurt by me and with whom I still have not spoken about it? Am I willing to notice that too? Am I able to admit when something I did caused pain and take responsibility for repairing it?

Perhaps we should also ask whether we are succeeding in being a source of inspiration. What is one thing I want to improve in myself this year? What do I want my students or children to remember about me ten years from now?

Did they feel seen? Did they feel believed in? Did they feel that I noticed their goodness and trusted their ability to grow?

Choose One Small Change

Set aside a few quiet minutes, take a pen and a piece of paper, and answer several of these questions. Try to answer them honestly, whether as a parent or as a teacher. No one else will see this page, so there is no reason to be embarrassed. Write truthful, sincere answers, and then choose one small action that you can take as a result of what you wrote.

Our goal is not to suddenly become the perfect parent or teacher. That is not realistic, and there will always be ups and downs. But it is possible to take on one small commitment, in the spirit of the teaching, “Open for Me an opening as small as the eye of a needle.”

If we can remember that commitment and put it into practice, we can become better messengers for the precious souls we have been privileged to guide.

May we all be sealed for a good year.