Can Changing Your Feelings Change Someone Else’s Heart? A Lesson from Parashat Toldot

In Parashat Toldot, Rivkah learns that Esau is planning to kill his brother Jacob. Fearing for Jacob’s life, she instructs him to flee to her brother Lavan in Haran until Esau’s anger subsides.

“Now, my son, listen to my voice. Arise, flee to my brother Lavan in Haran. Remain with him for a few days, until your brother’s fury subsides, until your brother’s anger turns away from you and he forgets what you have done to him. Then I will send and bring you back from there” (Genesis 27:43–45).

Why does Rivkah repeat herself, referring first to Esau’s fury and then to his anger?

The Alshich, in Torat Moshe, explains that these expressions describe different degrees of anger. According to his interpretation, anger represents more intense anger than fury. Rivkah therefore tells Jacob that if Esau’s anger is relatively mild, a few days away may be sufficient. But if his resentment runs deeper, Jacob must remain in Haran until Esau has completely forgotten the offense and Rivkah sends word that it is safe to return.

Rabbi Itzele of Volozhin, in Peh Kadosh, offers a different and particularly insightful explanation, revealing a profound principle about human relationships.

How Can We Know What Someone Else Feels Toward Us?

According to Rabbi Itzele, Rivkah was giving Jacob a way to recognize when his brother’s anger had subsided. The key lies in the words ad shuv af achicha mimecha—“until your brother’s anger turns away from you.”

He interprets mimecha, meaning “from you,” as referring to Jacob’s own feelings. Rivkah was telling him that he would know Esau’s anger had subsided when he himself no longer felt anger toward Esau.

As Rabbi Itzele explains: “This is a great principle: If a person wishes to know whether his fellow is angry with him, he should examine himself. If his heart is at peace with his fellow, then his fellow is also at peace with him. But if not, then his fellow is also angry with him.”

Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin takes this idea a step further. In Orchot Chaim–Keter Rosh (119), he teaches: “It is a proven matter that if a person has enemies, Heaven forbid, and he works on himself to regard them as completely righteous and judges them favorably, their hearts will immediately turn toward him in love.”

According to this teaching, our inner attitudes do more than reflect the state of a relationship; they can influence it. When we genuinely work to view another person favorably, our changed perspective may help soften their feelings toward us. 

This principle is rooted in the verse: “As water reflects a face to a face, so does the heart of man reflect to man” (Proverbs 27:19). Rashi, commenting on Yevamot 117a, explains that just as water reflects a person’s expression, human hearts reflect one another. When someone smiles at the water, the reflection smiles back; when he frowns, the reflection does the same. Similarly, affection tends to awaken affection, while hatred can produce hatred in return.

The Panim Yafot describes this reciprocal influence as or chozer, or reflected light. Strong feelings of love can inspire love in another person, just as intense hostility can deepen resentment. He applies this principle to King David’s words: “I hate them with complete hatred; they have become my enemies” (Psalms 139:22), suggesting that David’s own feelings contributed to the hostility directed toward him.

How Jacob Transformed His Relationship with Esau

Years after fleeing to Haran, Jacob returned to the Land of Israel and learned that Esau was approaching with four hundred men. Fearing that his brother still intended to harm him, Jacob prepared for a potentially dangerous encounter.

However, their reunion unfolded very differently. The Torah states that Jacob “passed before them and bowed to the ground seven times, until he approached his brother” (Genesis 33:3). Esau then ran toward Jacob, embraced him, kissed him, and wept.

Rabbi Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld, in Chochmat Chaim, finds special significance in the words “until he approached his brother.” According to his interpretation, Jacob had worked to transform his inner attitude toward Esau. Rather than approaching him as an enemy, he had reached a point where he could genuinely see him as his brother.

This internal change helped bring about a corresponding transformation in Esau. Jacob’s approach, rooted in brotherhood rather than hostility, created the conditions for their reconciliation.

Changing a Relationship Begins Within

Rivkah’s advice offers a powerful lesson: Before focusing entirely on another person’s resentment, we should examine the feelings we carry toward them.

It is easy to become preoccupied with someone else’s anger while overlooking how our own attitudes may be contributing to the tension. Yet resentment, suspicion, and affection can influence our behavior in subtle ways, shaping the emotional atmosphere of a relationship.

The teachings of Rabbi Itzele and Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin remind us that working to replace resentment with understanding can create an opening for reconciliation. This does not mean we can control another person’s emotions or guarantee that changing our attitude will change theirs. Rather, it highlights the influence we have over our own contribution to the relationship.

Jacob could not determine Esau’s intentions, but he could transform the way he approached his brother. According to Rabbi Sonnenfeld, that inner transformation played a significant role in their eventual reconciliation.

The message of kamayim hapanim lapanim—“as water reflects a face”—is that the feelings we cultivate toward others can shape the relationships we experience. Sometimes, the first step toward changing another person’s heart is to begin with our own.