How to Handle Criticism and Insults: 5 Powerful Lessons from Jewish Wisdom

When someone makes a hurtful remark about us in front of others, the conversation will end, but the words continue to trouble us. Why did that person speak to me that way? Why didn't I respond? And what must the people who overheard the exchange think of me?

These moments can leave us feeling embarrassed, angry, or desperate to defend ourselves. Yet according to Rabbeinu Bachya ibn Pakuda, author of Chovot HaLevavot (Duties of the Heart), they also present valuable opportunities for personal growth.

In Shaar HaKniah (The Gate of Humility), Rabbeinu Bachya explores how a person's relationship with praise, criticism, and personal honor reveals the depth of their humility. True humility, he explains, becomes especially apparent when our pride is challenged or we feel compelled to prove our worth to others.

1. True Strength Means Choosing Not to Retaliate

Rabbeinu Bachya identifies several situations in which a person's humility becomes apparent. One of them is how we respond when someone insults or mistreats us. He describes a person experiencing intense anger toward someone who has humiliated him, whether through words or actions. If that person manages to control his emotions and forgive the offender despite having the power to retaliate, he demonstrates genuine humility.

The distinction is important. Refraining from revenge because we have no means of taking it is not the same as deliberately choosing restraint when retaliation is possible. Imagine that a friend makes an insulting remark about you. Sometime later, you discover an embarrassing detail about that person. You now have an opportunity to retaliate by sharing the information with others.

Rabbeinu Bachya teaches that choosing not to exploit such an opportunity reflects inner strength. It is possible to address the original offense, express that the behavior was unacceptable, and establish appropriate boundaries without deliberately inflicting pain in return.

2. Accept Compliments Without Becoming Arrogant

In Chapter 4, Rabbeinu Bachya discusses the proper response to receiving praise. He writes that when a person is praised for his good qualities, he should respond with humility.

Compliments can be encouraging and meaningful, particularly when they recognize genuine effort or achievement. However, Rabbeinu Bachya cautions against allowing praise to distort our perception of ourselves. Even when a compliment is entirely deserved, it does not mean that we have reached perfection or no longer have shortcomings to address.

A person who receives recognition for his generosity, wisdom, or accomplishments can appreciate the compliment while remembering that he still has responsibilities toward Hashem and opportunities for further improvement. Humility does not require rejecting every positive observation about ourselves. Rather, it means keeping those observations in perspective and refusing to allow them to become a source of superiority.

3. When Criticized, Resist the Urge to Make Excuses

Another important expression of humility is the ability to acknowledge our mistakes. Rabbeinu Bachya explains that when a person is reminded of something wrong he has done, he should admit his shortcomings rather than search for excuses that will make him appear innocent.

Our immediate response to criticism is often defensive. We may rush to explain why we behaved as we did, point to circumstances beyond our control, or emphasize another person's role in what happened. Sometimes these explanations are legitimate and necessary. But at other times, they serve primarily to protect our self-image and avoid accepting responsibility.

Rabbeinu Bachya points to Yehudah as an example of someone who acknowledged his wrongdoing. When confronted with the truth, Yehudah declared, “She (Tamar) is more righteous than I” (Bereishit 38:26). His willingness to admit his mistake demonstrates the courage required to place truth above personal pride.

Whether we have forgotten a commitment, hurt someone's feelings, or made a poor decision, we can acknowledge what happened without automatically searching for a justification. Taking responsibility allows us to repair the damage and learn from the experience.

4. Not Every Insult Deserves a Response

Rabbeinu Bachya also addresses situations in which someone speaks negatively about us, even when the criticism is untrue. He recounts a story about a pious man who learned that another person had spoken disparagingly about him. Rather than responding with anger or insults, the man sent the offender a gift of fruit from his own land. He explained that he regarded the negative remarks as a gift of spiritual merit and therefore wished to express his gratitude.

The story illustrates an exceptionally high level of humility, in which a person does not allow another individual's criticism to determine his sense of worth or provoke a desire for revenge.

Of course, this does not mean that every false accusation should go unanswered. When someone spreads misinformation that could damage our reputation, relationships, livelihood, or rights, correcting the record may be entirely appropriate. But when an insult has no significant consequences beyond our wounded pride, it is worth considering whether responding will accomplish anything meaningful.

Sometimes, engaging in an argument merely prolongs the unpleasant experience and gives the offensive remark more importance than it deserves. Choosing not to respond can reflect thoughtful self-control rather than weakness.

5. Be Proud of Your Achievements Without Looking Down on Others

In Chapter 9, Rabbeinu Bachya distinguishes between destructive arrogance and the legitimate satisfaction a person may feel about the qualities and accomplishments Hashem has granted him. He warns that improper pride can lead a person to belittle others, regard them with contempt, and speak negatively about them.

By contrast, when someone recognizes his wisdom, abilities, and good deeds as gifts from Hashem, appreciating those qualities can inspire gratitude and motivate him to accomplish even more. Rabbeinu Bachya describes such a person as someone who seeks to rejoice with others and protect their dignity.

Consider someone who receives a promotion at work after years of dedication and effort. There is nothing wrong with feeling happy about the achievement or recognizing the work that made it possible. The problem arises when that success becomes a reason to dismiss colleagues or assume that professional advancement makes one inherently superior to others.

According to Rabbeinu Bachya, the appropriate response to personal accomplishments is gratitude toward Hashem, continued self-improvement, and a greater willingness to help those around us.

Humility Is Not About Thinking Less of Yourself

The teachings of Chovot HaLevavot offer a perspective on humility that extends beyond modest behavior or avoiding attention. Humility influences how we respond when our reputation is challenged, our achievements are praised, or our mistakes are exposed.

A humble person does not need to retaliate against every insult, defend every mistake, or use every accomplishment as proof of personal superiority. At the same time, humility does not require tolerating mistreatment, denying genuine strengths, or remaining silent when an important injustice needs to be addressed.

Rather, it involves developing the inner stability to distinguish between what genuinely requires a response and what merely threatens our pride. The next time someone criticizes us, praises us, or makes a hurtful remark, we can ask ourselves a simple question: Am I responding because the situation truly requires it, or because I feel compelled to protect my ego?

Rabbeinu Bachya reminds us that our dignity does not depend on winning every argument, receiving everyone's approval, or proving that we are always right. Sometimes, our greatest strength is revealed in the response we choose to hold back.