Anger and Silence: Two Sides of the Same Wound

“I don’t think there’s a couple problem here. I think I know how to solve the problem,” Akiva said emphatically.

“Of course. I’m the problem. If I were fixed, everything would be solved,” Dafna responded angrily.

“All the problems at home, both in our relationship and with the kids, stem from one cause: nerves.

“Dafna is angry all the time. Angry at me, angry at the kids, angry at the whole world. Sometimes I feel like even the air outside annoys her. If only she could control her anger, then we wouldn’t have unnecessary fights and there wouldn’t be negative energy at home,” Akiva concluded.

“I might be angry, but your silences and your attitude toward me are much worse. At least I express what I feel. Not only do you not express what you feel, you withdraw,” she retorted.

“How can I not withdraw? Who can handle such intense anger?” Akiva shot back.

“Do you ever get angry at her?” I asked.

“Of course I get angry,” he replied.

“How does that manifest?” I asked.

“Can you even express anything to her? If it’s not how she thinks, then she won’t listen. She’ll just get angry and yell, and it will just worsen the atmosphere, so I prefer to stay quiet and swallow my pride,” he answered sadly.

“Anger is a natural thing. Dealing with anger should be done in a way that is above nature. But we need to start with learning, so that the next time Dafna encounters that anger, she knows how to place it where it belongs. But before we begin, it’s very important to first understand what anger is and what its damages are.”

What Is Anger?

“Anger is essentially a rolling emotion. It comes as a result of an interpretation, justified or not, of a prior emotion that you couldn’t contain, and immediately it dressed itself and turned into an alternate emotion called anger.”

“When Akiva insulted you the day he was fired, you could interpret that insult in two ways: Option one: Akiva is in a very difficult situation. He didn’t mean to hurt me. He didn’t know how to deal with being fired. It’s not okay that he chose to insult me, but I won’t be hurt by it, and later I will assert that it’s not right, and he will understand his mistake.”

“Option two: I will think he really believes those terrible things about me, and I will be very hurt and insulted.”

“And I ask, what is that feeling of insult?”

“What?” both of them asked.

The Pain Beneath the Anger

“Every person has an existential pain in their soul, a feeling of emptiness, a lack of existence. From a survival place, we cover that hole throughout life with various coverings, because it’s hard for us to live with that emptiness in our soul. That hole is the source of all human escapisms.”

“Insult is a painful feeling where that existential emptiness is exposed in our soul. The moment that person exposes the cover of the hole, unbearable pain immediately arises, and one looks for a way to cover that hole as quickly as possible.”

“Anger comes immediately as a form of covering for that hole.”

“It’s important to understand that the interpretation isn’t necessarily related to the story and the facts, but to how I interpret what happens to me. Ultimately, the way to cope is the same.”

“Dafna feels insulted because you insulted her, but she can’t let that feeling of insult take over her, because it’s very hard to sit with that feeling. It’s an incredibly hard to bear feeling, a feeling that unconsciously threatens her life.”

“So anger immediately arises. Anger helps us reclaim a sense of control over our lives, because with anger we essentially negate the existence of the offender.”

Anger as a Sense of Control

“How exactly do I negate him?” Dafna asked.

“When you’re angry at him, you essentially deny his existence, and that gives you an extra burst of energy. You discover mighty powers when those kinds of strengths come out of you,” I explained.

“I don’t just feel the blood flowing through me. I feel it boiling inside me, bubbling,” Dafna replied.

“I think she loves to be angry. That’s how she feels she releases,” Akiva added.

“On the contrary, there’s no real release here. A powerful light of emotion shines without any tools to contain it, and that’s threatening and causes a very severe contraction.”

“But how am I supposed to deal with people who irritate me? If they make me mad, then I get angry. It seems so natural to me. What, is it better to be disconnected like him?” Dafna asked.

Silent Anger Versus Explosive Anger

“At least I control my anger and don’t take it out on the whole world. With you, everyone becomes a punching bag,” Akiva replied.

“Akiva, which disease do you think is more dangerous? A disease with external initial symptoms that are visible, or a disease that simmers beneath the surface and suddenly breaks out with intensity?” I asked.

“Clearly, a disease that simmers beneath the surface is more dangerous. It even has a name: the silent disease,” he answered.

“Your anger, Akiva, is much more dangerous than Dafna’s anger. All your anger at Dafna you close off within yourself. You deny her existence through an internal anger that no one is aware of. You build a wall, and at that moment she doesn’t exist.”

“Dafna feels that, but she doesn’t know how to put it into words, because externally it doesn’t appear that you are angry. But inside you are developing very deep anger, and the results of this are usually much more destructive and harmful.”

“Therefore, it’s important that you focus and take everything I’m saying to Dafna and apply it to yourself, because the work is much harder for you. It’s much harder to deal with internal anger than external anger. This is a topic in itself, which we will elaborate on another time.”

“Before I explain what the damages of anger are, it’s crucial to understand that we have control over our anger. It doesn’t just burst forth. We choose how and when to get angry.”

The Damages Caused by Anger

“So what is so damaging about anger?” Dafna asked.

There are several significant damages that anger causes.

“First, lack of usefulness and damage to relationships. Anger is a sign of weakness. If you’re angry at your children, anger doesn’t create real change or lasting influence. It threatens them for a short time, and then they return to the same place.”

“Anger undermines a child’s emotional stability, making them walk through the world frightened.”

“We get angry when we don’t accept reality as we want it. Not getting angry connects us to the understanding that not everything we want needs to be realized, and that the other also has needs and wants.”

“The other is a subject. They have emotions just like us.”

“Second, anger harms the person who is angry. After anger comes exhaustion. Over time, anger diminishes the vitality of the soul. It accelerates disease and harms health.”

“Third, loss of faith. Those who are angry do not believe that the events in their lives are accurate, supervised, and purposeful. They declare that the One who created their reality made a mistake.”

Learning to Work With It

“So how am I supposed to deal with all my anger?” Dafna asked helplessly.

“There are several ways to overcome anger. Anger is a natural emotional movement, but the test is not why it arose, but how quickly we overcome it. Everyone can and should overcome anger. This is not reserved for the righteous.”

“Forgiveness. When we forgive those who hurt us, we free our souls from inner blockages. Forgiveness supports mental health and enables growth, development, and creativity.”

“Distraction. Changing focus or activity prevents feeding the fire. Not engaging with the cause of anger in thought or speech prevents it from expanding and taking over.”

“Preventative work. Anger should be addressed proactively, from a mindset that struggles to accept others or the challenges of reality and is rooted in disappointment.”

“Recognizing the lack of usefulness in anger. As long as a person believes anger serves them, they will not let it go.”

“Identifying anger before it arises. Awareness of mood changes allows a person to understand what triggers their anger and consciously choose change.”

“Big mindedness. The source of anger is usually small mindedness. When the mind is narrow, even small things provoke anger. A person with a sense of mission does not waste emotional energy on trivial matters.”

Written in collaboration with Ishai, inspired by Dr. Yechiel Harari’s book - Breaking Through Personality Boundaries.