Finding Your Match: Why It’s Compared to the Splitting of the Sea

It was the final evening of Passover, on the seventh day of the holiday. The sea splits, the Egyptians drown, and I receive a joyful phone call from a woman I have known for many years.

“I called to wish you a happy holiday,” she says, “and one more thing.”

There was a smile in her voice.

A wide one.

I had a feeling I knew what was coming, but I waited quietly.

“I’m getting engaged,” she said, her voice catching with emotion.

I was thrilled for her.

For this woman, saying those two words, “I’m getting engaged,” was truly like the splitting of the sea. Until now, those words belonged to other women from the seminary she had graduated from 17 years earlier. Until now, they had never been words she could say about herself.

Other people got married. Not her.

Her “I’m getting engaged” was not simply an expression of joy at finally finding a groom. I know this because the two of us have spent countless hours talking about it over the past several years.

For her, “I’m getting engaged” meant telling an entire emotional story.

It meant saying, “I decided,” or perhaps more accurately, “I finally managed to reach a decision. He arrived, but something in me changed too.”

It meant saying, “Thank You, Hashem. Here is my splitting of the sea.”

It meant saying, “A grueling stretch of years has finally come to an end, years filled with growth and difficulty, jealousy and frustration, and an ongoing struggle within myself.”

Why Is Finding a Match Compared to the Splitting of the Sea?

Our sages teach that finding a person’s match is as difficult as the splitting of the Sea of Reeds.

But why?

That idea has always intrigued me. Is finding a match compared to the splitting of the sea because it is so difficult to find the right person? Because building a shared life is challenging? Why, specifically, is this the comparison our sages make?

Years ago, I discovered one point of similarity between the Sea of Reeds and finding a match, and it brought me comfort.

Both a match and the Sea of Reeds were created with a condition.

The Sea of Reeds was created on the condition that one day it would split open. In the same way, our matches were considered before they came down into this world together with our souls, with the conditions necessary for building a shared life.

Sometimes, what appears impossible may simply be waiting for the moment when the sea is finally ready to split.

In honor of this special time, and in honor of this woman and the new chapter she is beginning, here is a wonderful collection of questions that can deepen a dating conversation or create meaningful connection between people who have already been married for many years.

A friend sent them to me. I sent them to the bride, as well as to other friends who have been married for years.

How important it is to have, or at least to desire, a genuine and close connection within a marriage and family.

Questions That Can Create a Deeper Conversation

• If you could invite anyone in the world to dinner, whom would you choose?
• Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
• What would a wonderful day look like to you?
• When was the last time you sang to yourself? When was the last time you sang to someone else?
• What are you most grateful for in your life?
• If you could change one thing about the way you were raised, what would it be?
• Tell the story of your life in as much detail as possible in just four minutes.
• If you could wake up tomorrow with one new quality or ability, what would you choose?
• Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
• What do you consider the greatest accomplishment of your life?
• What do you value most in a friend?
• What is your most precious memory?
• What is your most painful memory?
• How close and warm is your family?
• Do you feel that your childhood was happier than most people’s?
• How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? I know, these are not easy questions. Even if you do not answer them, or even ask them, at least consider them privately.
• Complete the sentence: “I wish I had someone to share...”
• Tell me about an embarrassing moment you experienced.
• When was the last time you cried in front of someone else? When was the last time you cried alone?
• What do you believe should never be joked about?
• Imagine, God forbid, that something happens to your home, such as a fire. After making sure your loved ones are safe, you have time to save just one more possession. What would you choose, and why?

When I went through these questions with the bride I mentioned earlier, we eventually reached that final question.

“My siddur,” she answered. “If I had the chance to save one more thing after my loved ones, I would save my siddur.”

Do you hear that, groom? Do you hear?

I bless you, this wonderful match that you are, that throughout your lives together you will continue asking one another questions from the heart, and that as the years pass, you will learn to answer them from that very same place.