Before the Chuppah: Why Autism Awareness Matters in Shidduchim

In recent years, autism has become far more widely recognized and discussed. Children on the spectrum are increasingly receiving professional support, specialized therapies, and educational frameworks suited to their needs. But what about the children of previous generations, who grew up before this awareness existed?

Shoshi Engler, director of the “Retzuf Ahavah” organization, which assists high-functioning adults on the autism spectrum, and the mother of two children on the spectrum, raises a difficult question: Where are all those children who were never diagnosed?

“After all, they didn’t disappear,” she says.

According to Engler, many grew up, entered the shidduch world, married, and only later did serious communication difficulties begin to reveal a reality neither spouse had understood before the wedding.

“We’re talking about people who attended mainstream schools,” she explains. “Their disability exists and is present, but it is hidden from view—often even from their own view. In the previous generation, awareness simply didn’t exist.”

As a result, they reached the stage of shidduchim appearing completely typical. But the communication difficulties did not disappear with marriage, leaving some spouses struggling quietly and without understanding why their relationship felt so difficult.

“They Don’t Know How to Ask for Help”

“One of the greatest challenges for people on the spectrum is recognizing themselves and seeking help,” Engler explains. “They simply don’t know how to ask for help.”

If asked how they are feeling, she says, they may sincerely respond that everything is fine. The difficulty becomes especially apparent within marriage, where a spouse experiences the communication gaps from the other side.

Over the years, dozens of spouses have approached the organization for support, most of them women, since autism is diagnosed more frequently in men. Some contact the organization shortly after marriage, while others have spent decades trying to understand what is happening in their homes. Engler says that most women in one of the organization’s support groups have been married for more than 25 years, while one woman recently reached out after 50 years of marriage.

Yet Engler is careful to stress that a spouse on the spectrum should not automatically be viewed as uncaring or deliberately hurtful.

“These are absolutely not bad or unfeeling spouses,” she says. “In most cases, it is truly a lack of awareness.”

She recalls a husband on the spectrum who had been married for more than 20 years and read a book she had written describing the experiences of women married to men on the spectrum. He was shaken to discover how his own wife might have experienced their marriage.

After speaking with her, he began to understand her anger and resentment differently. Instead of feeling angry with her, he said, he came to appreciate how much she had endured and how hard she had worked to preserve their relationship.

When Couples Counseling Misses the Real Problem

When is autism in a spouse usually discovered?

Engler describes two main scenarios. In some cases, a diagnosis is made before marriage. For a young person who has spent an entire life in mainstream schools and institutions, receiving an autism diagnosis shortly before entering shidduchim can be an enormous emotional upheaval.

Nevertheless, Engler believes the information must be addressed openly and responsibly before marriage.

In other cases, the warning signs emerge only after the wedding. The couple may turn to marriage counseling, but Engler warns that professionals who lack specific knowledge of autism can sometimes misunderstand the situation.

She recalls meeting a woman whose three children were on the spectrum. When the woman told a counselor that she suspected her husband might also be autistic, the counselor dismissed the possibility. According to Engler, the family eventually fell apart.

What should professionals do differently?

Engler believes counselors with appropriate professional training should first acknowledge the genuine difficulty the spouse is experiencing and then provide both emotional and practical support.

She also warns against treating autism as something shameful. In one case, a woman shared her suspicion about her husband with an educator, who reacted with shock that she would even consider such a possibility. Later, her husband underwent a professional assessment, and Engler says their lives changed significantly for the better. Yet the husband continued to carry shame because of the earlier reaction.

Another obstacle is the cost of private assessments, which can place professional diagnosis beyond the reach of some families and delay the guidance that could help their marriage.

“It Won’t Go Away by the Wedding”

Engler’s organization operates within the Haredi community, although people from outside that community also seek its help. She believes there remains a significant difference in how openly high-functioning autism is discussed.

While awareness surrounding autism in children has increased considerably, Engler says adults are still too often overlooked.

“People hardly speak about adults, as though this is a phenomenon that belongs only to childhood and passes with age—and that is completely untrue,” she says.

That misconception inspired the title of her forthcoming book: It Won’t Go Away by the Wedding.

Engler emphasizes that people on the autism spectrum can certainly marry. Her concern is that marriage should begin with awareness, appropriate preparation, and honesty rather than with information being concealed or ignored.

When a young man approaches shidduch age and there is a genuine concern, she recommends seeking a professional assessment. Once someone is over 18, this can become more complicated because they are legally independent and may refuse to cooperate.

Even when a formal assessment is not possible, Engler believes parents have a responsibility not to send their child into marriage while withholding information that could fundamentally affect the relationship.

“I never tell parents what to do,” she emphasizes. “But I am here to advise them.”

She has seen couples divorce or remain together without developing a meaningful connection, and she stresses that marital instability inevitably affects the children growing up in the home as well.

A professional autism assessment, she explains, involves specialists examining behavior through extensive questioning and defined criteria, generally with both a doctor and psychologist involved. The purpose is not simply to apply a label, but to give the person and their family greater understanding and access to appropriate tools.

Engler compares it to seeking medical testing when there is reason for concern: Understanding what is happening can be far more helpful than remaining afraid of the possibility of a diagnosis.

Awareness Can Change a Marriage

Despite the painful stories she encounters, Engler ends with a message of hope.

“The optimism is found in one word: awareness,” she says. “There is no comparison between life before awareness is raised and life afterward—not for the person themselves, nor for their family and surroundings.”

That belief is also driving her work beyond individual families. In addition to her forthcoming book, Engler and her organization are developing specialized training for bridal counselors and marriage counselors to help them recognize situations in which autism may require a different therapeutic approach.

Standard couples-counseling techniques, she cautions, may sometimes be ineffective or even harmful when autism is an unrecognized factor in the relationship. Specialized understanding can allow both spouses to approach their marriage with more realistic expectations and more appropriate tools.

“No one promises that life will be simple,” Engler concludes. “But when you begin the journey with your eyes open and with good guidance, it is many times easier than discovering the reality halfway through life.”