Are You in Love With Your Spouse or the Person You Want Them to Be?

“I feel like I don’t know her anymore,” Eitan said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She’s changed. She used to be happier, more easygoing. We could go out spontaneously and laugh about nothing. Now everything has to be planned, and everything turns into a discussion. I feel like I’m living with someone else.”

“And how do you feel when you hear him say that?” I asked Michal.

“That he still doesn’t know me, even after all these years. He’s waiting for the woman I was when we met. But I’m not twenty-five anymore. We have children, responsibilities, a whole life together. I want him to see me, not just his memory of me.”

“And what would you like him to change about himself?”

“I want him to grow up. To take responsibility without my having to ask. To notice what needs to be done and take care of it on his own.”

I looked at them both.

“Eitan is waiting for you to become the woman he originally fell in love with, while you’re waiting for him to become the husband you always imagined. You both feel that your spouse doesn't truly see you. But perhaps you do see the person in front of you, as long as that person fits the picture you have of who they should be.”

Are You Accepting Your Spouse or Trying to Change Them?

“I want to ask you both something. When you say you want to accept your spouse, do you mean accepting them as they are, or accepting the version of them that would make you happy in your marriage?”

I turned to Eitan.

“Let's say Michal never goes back to being the spontaneous woman she was at the beginning of your relationship. She remains more responsible, sometimes tired and preoccupied. Could you learn to connect with the woman she is today?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But I miss her.”

“I’m not asking you to stop missing her. I’m asking whether you miss Michal herself, or the way you felt at the beginning of your relationship.”

Then I turned to Michal.

“And suppose Eitan remains someone who needs things explained to him, who sometimes needs reminders or has to be asked more than once. Could you still recognize the good in him?”

“I just don’t want to be his mother,” she replied.

“And you shouldn’t have to be. But there’s a difference between refusing to carry all the responsibility yourself and waiting for your husband to become a different person before you can see him as worthy of love.”

I continued.

“Many people who enter a second marriage say they only understood what truly matters after their first marriage fell apart. Once their lists of expectations and ideal qualities were no longer enough, they discovered that the actual person in front of them mattered more than the picture they had imagined.”

“But why does it have to take a divorce to understand that?” Michal asked.

“That’s exactly the question. Perhaps something needs to break, but it doesn't have to be the marriage. Perhaps what needs to break is something within us.”

When Expectations Get in the Way of Love

“When you get married, you bring more than yourself into the relationship. You also bring an image of what marriage should look like: how a wife should behave, what a husband should do, and what a happy family is supposed to be.

“Some of those expectations come from the home you grew up in. Others come from your dreams, experiences, and fears. Then you meet your spouse and expect them to help turn that picture into reality.”

“It sounds like you’re saying we shouldn’t have expectations,” Eitan said.

“Not at all. You’re allowed to want Michal to laugh with you, and Michal is allowed to want you to share the responsibilities at home. The question is what happens when your needs meet a person who cannot always fulfill them in the way you imagined.

“Do you talk about what you need, or do you begin treating your spouse as a problem that needs to be fixed?”

“I think I do that,” Michal admitted. “When I have to ask him to do something again, I stop noticing everything he actually does. All I can see is what he still hasn't figured out.”

“And when I try to make her laugh and she isn’t in the mood,” Eitan added, “I immediately feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Instead of asking what she's going through, I get upset that she's changed.”

“You take a single moment and turn it into proof that your spouse isn't who they're supposed to be. Michal doesn't laugh, so Eitan feels he's lost his wife. Eitan needs a reminder, so Michal feels she doesn't have a real partner.

“Instead of responding to what's happening in that moment, you're responding to your disappointment in each other.”

Acceptance Doesn't Mean Giving Up Your Needs

“So what are we supposed to do?” Michal asked. “Just accept everything?”

“No. Accepting someone doesn't mean abandoning your boundaries or agreeing to live in a situation that hurts you.

“In fact, the opposite is true. When you stop fighting Eitan over who he is, you can begin talking clearly about what you need.

“Instead of telling him he needs to grow up, you can explain that you need a partner who takes responsibility. And instead of demanding that you return to the woman you once were, Eitan can tell you that he misses feeling close to you.”

“But that's frightening,” Michal said. “Because if I stop waiting for him to change, I have to ask myself whether I can live with who he is.”

“That's true,” I replied. “And it's an important question. Acceptance doesn't mean that change is unnecessary. It means you stop making change a condition for truly seeing and connecting with one another.”

Eitan sat quietly for a moment.

“You know what's strange? I've been so focused on how much she's changed that I haven't actually asked her who she is today in a very long time.”

“And I've been so busy thinking about everything he still isn't,” Michal added, “that I haven't stopped to consider how he feels when he comes to me and tries to get close.”

Their difficulties hadn't disappeared. Eitan would still need to learn to take more responsibility, and Michal would still need to express her needs without turning every disappointment into a judgment about her husband.

But something important had shifted.

For a moment, they stopped looking at each other through the expectations they had carried into their marriage. Instead, they began to take a genuine interest in the people standing in front of them.

And sometimes, that is where a deeper connection begins.