Are We Raising Confident Kids? Psychologist Reveals a Common Parenting Mistake

As parents, we want our children to grow up healthy, not only physically but emotionally. We hope to raise children who feel secure in themselves, trust their abilities, and have the confidence to navigate life's challenges. Yet according to Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside, many parents misunderstand what confidence really means.

Kennedy explains that parents often equate confidence with feeling good all the time. As a result, they focus on keeping their children comfortable, happy, and free from disappointment. But this approach may have unintended consequences. "Too much comfort and happiness in childhood actually leads to fragility and anxiety in adulthood," she warns.

What Really Builds Confidence in Children?

According to Kennedy, genuine confidence is rooted in self-trust rather than a constant sense of success. "Feeling good about an outcome is not the same as feeling good about ourselves," she explains. Children develop confidence when they encounter different situations, work through challenges, and discover that they are capable of more than they initially believed.

The difficulty is that modern parenting makes it easier than ever to shield children from discomfort. Overparenting, instant gratification, and constant comparisons on social media can undermine the very qualities parents hope to develop. "We're unintentionally robbing our children of the moments that could build confidence," Kennedy says.

A survey conducted by children's clothing retailer Carter's among 419 parents of children ages two to ten suggests that concerns about children's confidence are widespread. According to the findings, 78% of parents had observed their children changing their choices because they were worried about what others might think. Another 46% reported that their children needed reassurance or approval when choosing what to wear, trying something new, or expressing a personal opinion. Meanwhile, 54% said they wanted to help their children become more confident in their own choices and preferences.

Why Protecting Children From Discomfort Can Backfire

Kennedy offers the example of a child who is asked to read aloud in front of the class but begs to stay home because of a fear of making mistakes. A parent's immediate instinct may be to allow the child to avoid the situation, sparing them the anxiety and embarrassment they anticipate. However, Kennedy cautions that "what feels easiest in the moment can make problems bigger tomorrow." When children repeatedly avoid situations that frighten them, they may lose opportunities to discover that they can handle discomfort, recover from mistakes, and succeed despite their fears.

Instead, she encourages parents to reconsider their role. The goal is not necessarily to make every difficult moment easier, but to help children develop the emotional strength they will need in the long run. One important step is acknowledging a child's feelings while simultaneously expressing confidence in their abilities. Kennedy suggests communicating a simple but powerful message: "I believe you, and I believe in you." In other words, parents can recognize that a situation genuinely feels frightening without reinforcing the idea that their child is incapable of handling it.

She also recommends reducing the pressure surrounding performance and achievement. Children need to know that they are loved and accepted even when they make mistakes, struggle, or attempt something they have not yet mastered. When their sense of worth is not dependent on success, they are better able to take risks, explore new experiences, and learn from setbacks.

How Can Parents Recognize Declining Confidence?

One possible warning sign is a gradual narrowing of the activities a child is willing to attempt. A child who once enjoyed trying new things may begin participating only in games they already excel at, insisting that friends visit their home rather than going elsewhere, or refusing unfamiliar activities altogether. Others may increasingly adjust their behavior and preferences to gain approval from those around them.

Kennedy emphasizes that a single difficult experience does not define a child's confidence. "One hard moment doesn't define a child," she explains. Rather, confidence can gradually erode through patterns that develop over months or years, particularly when well-meaning parents repeatedly rescue their children from uncomfortable situations.

The encouraging news, Kennedy says, is that parents can begin changing these patterns at any stage. Even if they recognize that they have spent years protecting their children from challenges, it is not too late to help them develop greater self-trust. "When we worry that it's too late, we're only looking backward," she says. "We can start today. I just think about all the years ahead of us when my child will get to enjoy themselves."

Ultimately, raising confident children does not mean ensuring that they always feel comfortable or successful. It means helping them develop the trust in themselves to face uncertainty, tolerate mistakes, and discover that they are capable of navigating life's challenges, even when things do not go according to plan.