When Reassurance Backfires: What Not to Say to Someone With Anxiety

Most of us have experienced a situation in which someone we care about is overwhelmed by anxiety, stress, or emotional distress. Our instinctive response is often to offer reassurance with familiar phrases such as "Everything is fine," "Just calm down," or "Try to think positively."

We believe we are being supportive, encouraging the person to focus on the brighter side of the situation. However, new medical and psychological research presented ahead of the annual research conference at Tel-Hai University suggests that these well-intentioned responses may have precisely the opposite effect. According to the findings, dismissive or overly simplistic reassurance can intensify feelings of loneliness and leave individuals trapped in a cycle of frustration and emotional distress.

Why Positive Reassurance Can Backfire

The study examined patients experiencing prolonged stress, focusing on their emotional responses and physiological indicators. Researchers found that when someone is experiencing intense anxiety, their brain may not be receptive to instructions to think positively. Instead, the person first needs emotional validation and the reassuring presence of someone who listens without judgment.

Researchers at Tel-Hai University explained that when someone experiencing emotional overwhelm is directly instructed to calm down, they may interpret the statement as a dismissal or denial of their feelings. Rather than providing comfort, the response can make them feel misunderstood, invalidated, or alone in their distress. According to the findings presented, this perceived dismissal may activate the brain's stress-response systems, potentially increasing levels of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. As a result, the person's anxiety and sense of emotional pressure may intensify rather than subside.

What Should You Say to Someone Experiencing Anxiety?

The researchers recommend replacing automatic reassurance with active listening, emotional validation, and a calm, nonjudgmental presence. Rather than attempting to immediately change how someone feels, the goal is to acknowledge their experience and allow them the space to process their emotions without additional pressure.

Simple statements such as "I can see how difficult this is for you right now" or "I'm here with you" can communicate understanding and support without minimizing the person's distress. These responses acknowledge that the emotions are real, even when the situation itself may not be as threatening as it feels.

According to the researchers, this approach may help the nervous system gradually regulate its stress response, allowing the individual to regain a sense of emotional control without unnecessary intervention.

The central message is that helping someone through anxiety does not always require offering advice, finding solutions, or encouraging optimism. Sometimes, the most meaningful support comes from simply listening, acknowledging what the person is experiencing, and allowing them to feel understood. Rather than telling someone how they should feel, we can offer something far more valuable: the reassurance that they do not have to face their difficult emotions alone.