Finding Your Perfect Match: Six Ways to Assess Relationship Compatibility

Before getting into the six ways to assess relationship compatibility, it’s important to clear away a common and limiting expectation. Many people believe that one day they will simply meet their “true soulmate,” and everything will fall perfectly into place, like a fairy tale. While romantic, this belief often makes it harder to build a healthy and loving relationship.

A strong relationship is not something we stumble upon fully formed. It is something we create through commitment, investment, openness, and a willingness to connect. That said, it’s also true that some people are more naturally compatible with us, and with them it is far easier to build a relationship marked by depth, joy, and closeness. Knowing how to assess compatibility can help us recognize that potential.

Below are six meaningful ways to evaluate relationship compatibility.

Way 1: Authenticity and Openness

We live in a culture that rewards conformity. To succeed socially and professionally, most of us learn to manage our image and present ourselves in a way that will be accepted. Even highly authentic people do this to some extent.

A close relationship should be different. It is the one space where we can remove our masks and be fully ourselves, with our opinions, emotions, fears, and doubts. Unfortunately, many people never truly allow themselves this freedom.

When there is real compatibility, openness feels natural. There is no need to impress, perform, or play games. The desire for deep connection outweighs the need for approval and validation. We feel lighter, freer, and more at ease. When a relationship feels heavy, restrictive, or requires constant self censorship, that is a warning sign.

Simply put, the more free and authentic you feel, the more likely you are in the right relationship.

Way 2: Deep Common Ground

People often say that opposites attract. While differences can add interest, what sustains a relationship over time is shared ground. As the Sforno explains, a true bond exists primarily between people who are similar in their core direction and outlook.

Common ground does not mean being identical. Marrying someone exactly like yourself would be boring. Rather, it means sharing fundamental values, life goals, and basic worldviews. It means having areas of mutual interest, a compatible lifestyle, and priorities that do not clash at their core.

Large gaps in values or essential personality traits usually become harder to bridge over time. One partner ends up shrinking or compromising themselves, or the relationship eventually collapses.

A helpful way to assess this is to notice your emotional response to your partner’s world. Do you feel appreciation and curiosity toward what matters to them, or resistance and opposition? The stronger the resistance, the more serious the incompatibility. The more appreciation and willingness to be influenced, the stronger the foundation.

Three common mistakes in assessing common ground are focusing on superficial hobbies, overemphasizing traits that can change, and expecting agreement on everything. What matters is not perfection, but a clear positive balance.

A useful question is this: Is this someone I would want to live with at eighty? Not everyone who is exciting at twenty is a good partner for the long road of life. This question helps reveal whether the connection is built on depth rather than surface attraction.

Way 3: Empathy, Caring, and Giving

Love is ultimately expressed through action. Ask yourself: do I genuinely care about this person’s wellbeing? Do I want to make their life better?

Pay special attention to how giving feels. Giving that comes from fear of rejection or abandonment is very different from giving that flows from love and care. While generosity can be learned, when love is real, giving usually feels more natural and joyful.

Of course, reciprocity matters. But the deeper indicator is your own desire to give, to invest, and to improve your partner’s life. The stronger that desire, the greater the likelihood of true compatibility.

Way 4: How You Argue and Disagree

Compatibility is not tested when things are easy, but when they are hard. Disagreements are inevitable. What matters is how they are handled.

If your partner belittles you, minimizes your feelings, becomes defensive, or avoids conflict entirely, those are serious red flags. The issue is not having different opinions, but whether your partner can tolerate disagreement without turning you into the enemy.

It is also wise to observe how your partner treats others. Early on, everything may feel harmonious, but patterns of contempt or blame often surface later within the relationship itself.

Way 5: Flow and Attraction

This is the famous “click,” the sense of ease, attraction, and natural flow. Many people give this factor too much weight, treating it as destiny. In reality, attraction can grow and deepen over time.

Still, when it exists naturally, it is a positive sign. Ask yourself: do I enjoy being together? Do conversations flow easily? Do I miss this person and want to share experiences with them?

If you consistently avoid spending time together, hesitate to make plans, or prefer being elsewhere, that usually signals a lack of compatibility.

Way 6: The Ability to Commit

Commitment is the foundation that allows love to survive challenges. It holds a relationship steady even when passion fades or conflict arises. Commitment means that love remains present even during anger or distance.

It is difficult to measure commitment early on, but patterns can be observed. Does your partner tend to invest, persist, and work through difficulty, or do they jump quickly from job to job, interest to interest, and relationship to relationship?

In crisis, a committed person looks inward and asks how to grow. A non-committed person looks outward for an escape, hoping that something new will solve the problem. Without learning commitment, the same struggles simply repeat.

In many ways, commitment is the most important of all six elements. When both partners take responsibility and are willing to invest, almost any obstacle can be overcome. True compatibility is not a miracle that happens by chance. It is something two committed people build together.

Commit to yourself, and you create the conditions for real relationship compatibility. When these elements are present, you may indeed discover that what people call “soulmates” is less about destiny and more about choice.

Edited and adapted from an article by Shachar Cohen.

Rabbi Dr. Yaakov Ehrenberg is the head of the Ehrenberg Institute for Marriage Counseling Studies and Family Professions.